


A Court of Breathings and Shadows

by JimMoriartyH1



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Eventual Romance, F/M, Friendship/Love, Mates, Physical Abuse, Slow Burn, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:33:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27851754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JimMoriartyH1/pseuds/JimMoriartyH1
Summary: Dancing the line between madness and sanity a young librarian is thrust into Prythian when the Cauldron's destruction begins the end of everything. In that darkness between reality and nothingness something finds her and binds her to another realm. A strange metal book. Eventual Azriel/OC Takes place near the end of ACoWaR. I do not own the intellectual property of ACoTaR.
Relationships: Azriel (ACoTaR)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 106





	1. Beginnings

“The library will be closing in ten minutes!” My co-workers voice rang out, sending a chill up my spine. Even after working at the library for some time her ‘teacher voice’ still sent me spiraling back to grade school. The heater nearby hummed casting a gentle warmth over my little desk keeping the frigid air at bay. 

I glanced over to the people on the computers making sure that anyone who needed my help could catch my attention. So late in the day there were only two and neither of them moved even as the system sent out a five minute warning to their screens. I looked back to my own screen flipping through a few different tabs making sure that the computers were still connected to my system and that the automatic shutdown was correctly entered. 

I quickly began shutting down the multiple other tabs I had open to keep me entertained during the slow moments between helping people. Youtube and Google were the last tabs to go cutting off the music that had been streaming into my ear for the past 8 hours. The silence rang in the air for a moment before the normal little clicks and whispers of the library came back into focus. 

The computers kicked their users off one by one. One of the users glanced toward me giving a slight glare, but I simply smiled back. I couldn’t extend their sessions even if I wanted to, which I didn’t at this point. The patrons quickly gathered their things and pulled on their coats moving out into the night letting in small gusts of cold. I stretched feeling my body pop and protest the movement before moving about closing down the catalogues spread throughout the building. It didn’t take long before I was back to my own desk carefully packing up my snacks and pocketing my phone. Clicking the heater off. 

“The library is now closed!” Jane’s voice cut through the air once again making me jump slightly. It shouldn’t bother me so badly, but then again I had been conditioned most of my life to respond to that sort of tone. I quickly finished gathering my things and swung my bag onto my back.

“See you all tomorrow.” I called quietly. Jane glanced up from the front desk where she seemed to be finishing something.

“Be careful, Kiddo. It’s pretty cold tonight.” 

I simply smiled at her worry. “I’ll be fine.” I added tugging at my hoodie. “It’s not a long walk.”

“When are you getting your car fixed?” She pressed on.

“Should be able to fix it in a few days. No big deal.” I added with a small wave before pushing out into the darkened streets. The cold was stronger than this morning and it easily shred through the simple black hoodie. I shivered hiking my bag higher over my shoulder before beginning my walk home. Normally I would have some sort of music playing, but with it being darker thanks to daylight savings time, I didn’t trust walking alone and distracted in the night. I quickly crossed the street half jogging to reach the sidewalk before heading up the street. The soft whisper of cars in the distance sounded like the wind talking to itself punctuated by soft screeches of faulty brake pads. The night was peaceful as I moved from streetlamp to streetlamp. 

It took me by surprise when the world felt like it was suddenly tilting. I forced myself to a stop wheeling my arms to catch balance. I blinked and glanced down at myself. I felt fine and yet the world lurched again sending me stumbling forward this time. 

“Fuck.” I gasped steadying myself. “Is this an earthquake?” 

An instant later I knew that it wasn’t. I felt the world began to unravel. It was the only way I could explain it. Like whatever held our reality together was simply coming undone. It was then I noticed the horrible black that was spreading toward me. Like liquid nothingness it curled and flowed underneath my feet. There was no time to scream or cry. I simply fell as if there were nothing beneath me at all.

Spiraling out of control I plummeted further and further. It was colder than before….no that wasn’t right. It was worse than cold. It was numbing and the numbness was crawling inside of me ripping me apart one molecule at a time. 

I almost didn’t feel it when something very solid slammed into my chest. The pain was muted. I couldn’t see what it was but I wrapped around it clinging to anything solid in the maelstrom. I couldn’t see. Couldn’t hear past the roaring silence that threatened to unravel my mind. I could faintly feel the thing in my hands. Metal, bitingly cold, it laughed and cried at the same time. It felt like a book. 

_ “We’re going to be unmade.” _ It whispered. “ _ Made and Unmade. Light and Dark. Truth and Lies.” _ It sang a moment later.  _ “Pretty traveler.” _ It purred. “ _ Soft and Hard. Made and Unmade.” _

I screamed, but there was no sound. Only the chanting as I lost all feeling. I could feel my hands disappearing. Worse than pain this feeling. Simply ceasing. Even the thing in my hands was disappearing. 

“ _ Made and Unmade.” _ It sang. “ _ Pretty pretty thing.” _ I wished it would stop. But it was stopping. Everything was. 

“ _ Listen.” _ It ordered. Whatever was left of me did. So little left. All scattered and torn. Made and Unmade. Power, great bands of power thrown out and mending what was broken. A great ancient power awakening. Becoming whole. 

It looked to me.

Whatever had been chanting was twining with me. What was left of us. Made and Unmade. Darkness and Light. Sound and Silence. We danced with each other. There could not be a Cauldron without the Book. It weaved us a new body, gathered the fragmented minds. Sensation, cold and wonderful wrapped around us. 

The ancient thing it  _ purred  _ to us. Sang to me. Told me not to be afraid. My body was fire and the water was ice. There was pain and it was good. A new body. Forged in chaos. 

Something was near us. Near me. I cried knowing that it didn’t matter. I wanted it all to stop. My mind being forced back together by something so much greater than me. An equal to us. Oh how it hated our power, but loved me. Much like it loved another. Gave her gifts. It would give to me. 

A hand, small but powerful, grabbed mine. I clung to it. There was a long moment where nothing happened. Just the black water. Cold, but no pain this time. I squeezed the hand wanting any reassurance and I felt that hand squeeze back, and then pull. 

My head broke surface and I breathed in my first lungful of air. There were panicked voices and strong arms helping pull me out. I felt too much. The smell of blood was in the air. Steel and blood. I could hear the sounds of fighting. Wails of the dying. And voices speaking a language I didn’t know. 

A woman was suddenly in my field of view and she was absolutely beautiful. Tanned skin, fair features, blue eyes boring into my own. She spoke but the words didn’t make any sense. Like some language I had never heard before. 

“I don’t understand you.” I told her earnestly tears beginning to fall. “I don’t know where I am. What happened?”

Something brushed against my most inner thoughts and I slammed down gates I didn’t realize I had. There was a startled painfilled sound. The woman jerked her gaze to someone off to the side. I didn’t bother looking. I was so tired. The woman tucked a piece of golden-brown hair behind a pointed ear. Someone was touching her. I followed the arm up to see an incredibly handsome man staring at me in shock. His hair was blue-black much like a raven’s feathers. Tan skin much like the woman next to him. They were both dressed in similar leather clothing. Blood and dirt crusted them. They both had a tattoo on their arms. They were beautiful. Too beautiful like someone had photoshopped them perfect yet they were living and breathing. 

He spoke but still nothing he said made any sense. It was all just sounds. I bit my lip curling slightly into myself only to freeze as I saw my arms. Longer than before, but just as pale. Unblemished all my freckles wiped away like a blank page. Not so blank page….runes in a language I didn’t understand swirled down my arms in the deepest black. I didn’t mean to sob. I was naked, truly naked and those black marks were everywhere moving in elegant swirls and patterns down my body. They could see everything of me. The more I looked the more I realized that the markings were accented with a shimmering silver that was lighter than my skin tone. I felt like throwing up. 

This wasn’t my body.

I wasn’t sure when I started to scream but I came back to myself as a familiar hand clasped around my own. I let the sound die in my throat looking over to the owner of the hand who had drawn me from the water. 

Soaked to the bone, beautiful like the others, black hair that was plastered to the sides of her face ending about at her chin, silver eyes, and an almost plain face compared to the sheer beauty of the others. A soft squeeze. I took a deep breath covering myself best that I could.

“I don’t know what happened. Where I am. Or who you all are. But...could I please get some clothes?” I tried to sound calm. Instead it sounded insane my calm voice among the chaos. They all began speaking in low voices after a moment the one holding my hand tugged me upwards as she got onto her feet. I stood noticing how dirt and black still seemed to cover me. I shivered watching them.

A soft sound from the male and I felt my face break slightly in relief as he handed me what looked like a cloak. I gratefully took it and wrapped it around myself happy to have some sort of covering. I felt numb as they led me along the outskirts of what looked to be a massive battle. Everything felt so far away. I kept a hold on the hand that had saved me. It was a long walk. I ended up in some tent sitting with my savior quietly. 

She seemed rather indifferent to it all watching me with dispassionate eyes. Finally she spoke. One word. Then again the same sound pointing at herself. 

“Amren.” She told me.

“Nova.” I told her wincing at my name. My parents thought it was the coolest name imaginable, but they weren’t the ones who had to tell people their name was literally Nova.

“Nova.” She echoed back. I smiled and nodded. The corner of her mouth quirked up, just then someone came into the tent. I froze then relaxed as I recognized the woman and man from before, they immediately looked to me.

Amren said something that ended with my name.

“Nova?” The woman asked gently. I nodded and gave her a slight smile. “Feyre.” She said simply tapping herself.

“Nice to meet you Feyre.” I told her pulling the cloak a bit closer around me. She looked to the male then looked back to me.

“Rhysand.” The man spoke violet eyes watching me warily.

“Hello Rhysand.” I muttered. 

“Nova?” Rhysand spoke just as that same scraping sensation touched my mind. The gates I had made all onyx, silver, and diamond held easily against the brush of claws. The way he was looking at me was frustrated. The claws against my mind tapped. He said something and the claws tapped again. Panic began to set in as I felt the alien sensation skate over the familiar and foreign gates. 

He spoke again. He sounded tired. Looked it too. Yet those claws gently touched the edges of the gates asking permission. I blink and tilted my head the slightest bit at the revelation. Was he asking me to lower them? Did I even know how? It all seemed insane. Impossible.

I directed my attention to the gates and slowly imagined them cracking open. There was a relieved sound and then those claws were in me. I jerked at the sensation fear rising like a black tide. I could feel him moving through my memories going back into that darkness. When that book hit me. Back even further to my normal life. T.V. and youtube. Video Games. The feeling of my fingers flying as I typed. Then all at once the presence retreated and I slammed the gates that guarded my mind shut. His eyes were wide enough that I noticed tiny specks of silver dotted in the violet. He said something in a low and dumbfounded voice and every pair of eyes looked to me shocked. 

My mind began to shiver. I was alone in a place I had no idea where it was where I could feel things touching my  _ mind _ . I was almost erased and now I was here wrapped in nothing but a cloak in a body that wasn’t mine. A soft chant began in my mind. 

_ Made and Unmade. Made again. Old and Young. Mortal and Immortal. Powerless and Powerful. To Learn. To Forget.  _

I covered my head even as I felt an unfamiliar force begin to well up from the core of me. Thick and powerful it swirled around me. 

“Nova!” Rhysand sounded worried. I curled even more into myself as the chanting got louder. Drowning out my own thoughts. Drowning out everything but the feel of the raw power pounding along with the voice’s chanting. 

_ Dark and Light. Love and Apathy. Sane and Insane. To Learn. _ The voice that wasn’t a voice chanted.  _ To Learn. _ Something clicked.

“-no idea what’s going on.” Ameren’s voice was low but calm.

“She didn’t have magic before.” Rhysand’s voice. I glanced up feeling the magic that was pouring forth slow to a trickle and then to a stop. “I think she’s calmed down a little.” He murmured meeting my eyes. 

“I..” My head swam darkness sparkling in my vision. “I want to go home.” I told them quietly. They all seemed stunned. The darkness won before they spoke again.


	2. Talking in Circles

“What do you mean? That’s impossible Rhys.” A strong feminine voice asked. My everything hurt. I groaned softly as I soared back to consciousness. Whatever I was on was horribly stiff causing a deeper ache in my back than the rest of my angry body. 

“Not impossible.” A sharper voice corrected. Silence followed the statement. I struggled to open my eyes faintly remembering the sidewalk tilting. The cold, which seemed absent now. Perhaps I was in a hospital after fainting. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to walk home. 

“I’m dying.” I mumbled to no one in particular. 

“Not quite.” The sharp voice was closer. Familiar. I finally found the will to open my eyes and found myself staring into a pair of silver ones. Other memories, hazy fever dreams rose to mind as I stared at the near perfect face. Her hair had partially dried, I noted dimly. 

I shook my head pulling myself backward and away from the woman. “No. You were a dream. I’m in the hospital.” Even I could hear the desperation in my voice. It was then I realized I was laying on what looked to be a cot, with a blanket thrown over me. Still naked, but now I had at least two layers keeping me from the strangers in the room.

“You know where you are.” 

“Amren.” I said quietly. She was terrifying somehow. Like the echo of some great beast prowled in her eyes. She tilted her head in acknowledgement of her name.

“How are you feeling?” That was a different voice. Another person I had met. I met Feyre’s blue eyes from across the room. 

“Hopefully this is what a coma feels like.” I said curling into myself. I felt dirty and wrong. Like my proportions were all wrong. Feyre let out an amused sound. 

“It’s not.” That was a new voice. I quickly looked to see what I could only describe as another perfect being. She was easily the curviest woman out of the three in the room. Golden hair and chocolate eyes that were staring at me with a frank fascination. Even covered in dirt and spatters of what looked to be blood she was everything I had ever wanted out of beauty. The kind of woman to start wars. 

“Hi.” 

Her mouth quirked up at the edge a playful sparkle entering her eyes. “Hello.”

“Can….can I go home? Will you guys let me leave?” 

“I’m not sure you  _ can _ go home.” A male voice. I glanced to Rhysand who had one hand on Feyre as if he couldn’t bear being apart from her. “Where I saw….” He trailed off and I remembered the strange glittering black claws that slid through my memories. Playing my life like some kind of video. I glanced down at myself and froze once again. Panic welling up like a black sludge clogging my throat and making it difficult to breathe. 

“This isn't my body.” I heard myself say in a distant numb voice. I let myself touch the black and silver marked arm. I could feel it, my own smooth fingers tracing over a swirl of black runic looking marks. 

“You were Made, girl.” Amren’s voice shouldn’t be so far away. My heart hammered against my ribcage. Could I even count it as my ribcage? I didn’t even know what my eyes looked like. Or my face. Air became scarce. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” The blonde one was suddenly crouching near me. “Don’t mind Amren, she doesn’t bite too often.” 

The woman in question growled, a feral sound, at the blonde. 

“I’m Morrigan.” She held out a hand. For a moment I wanted to simply close my eyes and give in to the steady building pressure in my chest. Instead I pulled myself up into a sitting position wrapping the blanket carefully around myself before reaching out to shake her hand. The smile she gave me was absolutely radiant. 

“I’m Nova.” 

“Nova,” Rhysand was stepping away from Feyre, “do you mind if you meet a few more people?”

I frowned slightly pulling the blanket closer to my chest. “I don’t know.” I answered truthfully. “I don’t understand anything that’s going on. I think I’m going crazy.”

“You’re not.” Morrigan told me seriously. They all were watching me like some sort of threat. Like  _ I  _ was the weird one here in the room of supermodels. 

“Can I have some clothes first?” 

Something in Feyre’s face softened at my request. She nodded but it was Morrigan who began to move. 

“Of course! Give me a moment.” She added ducking out of the tent. There was a soft voice. “She’s awake. Wait to go in. Be right back.” And then the sound of retreating footsteps. 

“The people you want me to meet are out there.” I guessed looking toward the now closed tent opening. 

“Yes.” At least Rhysand wasn’t lying to her as far as she knew. 

“Amren?” The small woman’s eyes locked onto me. “Thank you.” I wasn’t sure where I was or what was going on, but I did know that the dark place. The terrifying darkness that was not so much darkness as a lack of everything. The torture of feeling your every cell forgetting how to be you, then forgetting to be anything at all. 

“I wouldn’t thank me just yet,” was all she said. 

There was a soft rustle and I jerked curling violently into myself. Faster than I thought was possible. Morrigan ducked inside looking to me with an unreadable expression before it shifted into a friendly smile. 

“Here, it’s not much but supplies are low right now. Once we get home we’ll get you some better things. And a bath.” She said reaching out to touch my arm. Strangely, I relaxed slightly at the contact.

“Home?” Rhysand asked raising an eyebrow.

“She’s coming with us, of course.” She stated like it was nothing out of the ordinary.

“I am?” I asked touching the clothing Morrigan had placed near me. 

“Where else do you have to go?” That was Amren watching me frankly. She must have seen the realization in my face because she nodded once at my expression. I didn’t have anywhere to go. I didn’t even know what I looked like. 

“Everyone out.” Feyre was startlingly commanding. She and Rhys seemed to meet eyes for a moment before he sighed and nodded. “You go ahead and get dressed we’ll be waiting right outside.”

Morrigan was the last one out giving me a reassuring smile before I was left alone. I slowly moved feeling my entire body ache with the movement. I groaned stretching slightly and glancing down at my body. Those tattoos were there curling and twisting in an elegant dance over my skin. It was actually quite pretty in a strange way. The silver accents flickered when I moved creating a strangely alluring sight. I dropped the soggy cloak and reached up to feel my hair hanging in a wadded clump down to the middle of my back. None of it felt real. It didn’t feel like my body mentally though I could feel every aching muscle that comprised it. I could hear so much more than I thought. I could hear the soft breathing outside the tent, and farther the muffled strains of conversation as they came and went. I could hear my own heartbeat, abnormally fast and getting faster. I could hear the blood running in my veins. 

I took a deep breath feeling a familiar flutter in my chest that preceded a panic attack like my heart was skipping beats. The lack of air. A slow growing buzzing in my head. Even with a new body it seemed my anxiety was the same as ever. I forced myself to breathe quickly grabbing at the clothing. If I covered up my body it might help a little bit. 

There was a pair of long black pants that I had to tie rather tightly to get them to sit on my hips correctly, and a soft brown shirt that once on wanted to slip off of my shoulder. They were meant for someone much bigger than me, I realized. I stood for a moment looking around the tent. For the most part it seemed barren. A single desk with papers strewn about on the top. A lamp which was the source of the yellow light that dominated the space. The cot looked new as if someone had dragged it inside just for me. 

“Okay,” I called moving back to perch at the edge of the cot, farthest away from the door. “I’m dressed.”

Feyre was the first in looking me over. Next was Morrigan, then Amren. Rhysand. Then a new face who immediately went to look at the runes decorating my arms. I froze in studying him too. Wings, large and impressive were on his back. Very much like a bat or dragons wings. Another fluttering sensation and I jerked backward off the cot eyes wide. I couldn’t think. He had wings! People don’t have wings.

At my sudden movement he seemed to shift into a stance before catching himself. His face was sharp as if some great forces had carved him rather than being born. Sharp hazel eyes studied me as he raked a hand through his dark hair. It almost hit the tops of his shoulders which only gave him a wilder look. 

God he was big. I took another step back feeling the desk touch my heel. 

“Don’t worry.” He said holding his hands up peacefully. I refused to look away from him the fluttering in my chest increasing. I hardly realized the way my breathing picked up or how I could smell a sharp tang from myself as if my fear had been given a scent. “I’m not here to hurt you.” 

“You have wings.” I found myself saying. 

He took a few steps forward and another man stepped behind him. Where the first man was all rough edges this man was all elegance. Tall and imposing, shadows seemed to cling to his very skin. Just like the first man massive wings were neatly folded against his back. He reminded me vaguely of older paintings when they depicted angels. All immovable beauty. Unreadable, his eyes met mine the same shade as the first man’s. His eyes went to the markings and I found myself shaking. 

“I may be an Illyrian but I promise I’m not here to harm you.” The first said still watching me. 

“What’s an Illyrian?” I asked once I found my voice. It was shaky and hardly there, but I was proud for not falling into a shrieking mess. His eyes went a bit wide at that. The elegant one tilted his head a fraction. 

“Warriors of the Night Court.” He clarified. 

“Court?” I glanced around the room. “Am I in trouble?” 

“The court of which he is the High Lord.” He continued looking gobsmacked motioning to Rhysand. With so many eyes on me I wasn’t sure how to act. I hated it. 

“Does your world have Courts?” Rhysand asked.

“We have judicial courts.” I said quietly. 

“Judicial.” His voice struck me like a chord of rather beautiful music. I looked to the shadow wreathed man. “Care to explain?”

“Ah,” I glanced down at my own hands. “They’re a way that the government resolves disputes I guess. Usually they give and carry out sentences when people break the law.” 

“Who rules you?” The shadowed man asked.

“What do you mean?” 

“Your King or Queen or High Lord?” The rough one asked. 

“We moved past kings and queens over 200 years ago.” 

The silence that followed my statement was so thick I swore I could cut it with a knife if I had one. The shadow one did. It hung gleaming and silver at his side.

“Um...we have a president instead.” I said feeling uncomfortable. 

“A president?” Amren echoed.

“Yeah he’s a representative of the american people who is put into office through a voting system. They have a term of four years and then they can run for office again, but they can only have two terms and then they’re not eligible anymore. Election season is a big deal usually.” I almost immediately fell into the rhythm of explaining things when asked. It was part of my job after all. 

Absolute silence save for the sounds of their breathing and heartbeats. The elegant one suddenly moved brushing past everyone to come stand before me. I wasn’t sure why but I flinched jerking away from him and slamming into the desk. It was too much at once. His wings even moved. A slight flexing as they settled back onto his back. The shadows seemed to crawl and twirl over his skin like living things. A few crawled up his neck and one I noticed slowly reached for me. Blind panic had me trying to dart past him. Cool hands easily caught me. Trapped me. I couldn’t breathe. 

The room warped and in the back of my fracturing mind I heard a familiar strain of laughter. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think.

“It’s okay.” His voice cut through the haze of my mind easily. It took me a moment to realize I had collapsed, and the shadowed man was the only reason I hadn’t hit the floor. “There’s no danger.” I looked up into his eyes and felt something  _ click _ . The man’s eyes went wide and his wings flared out behind him with a snap. I jerked back a bit, but his hands gave no quarter.

“Azriel?” The rough man was taking a step to us. He was staring at me, though, his eyes locked on me as if he couldn’t look away. 

“Are you okay?” I was hardly able to hold myself up for the fear and yet concern cut through me. He took a shuddering breath in that I could feel through my body. He smelled good, I realized distantly. Like leather and ink. I could smell the sweat and blood on him. See the dirt caked into the ridges of his armor. It took me a moment to notice but his hands were horribly scarred as if someone had burned them. 

“Azriel.” That was Rhysand. His eyes jerked up at that, finally away from my face. 

“She…” His voice buzzed against me and some deep part of me liked the sound. Much more than I should. He was holding me against my will. This wasn’t even my body. And now I was trapped being held by a being with wings. The panic welled up once more and his eyes snapped back to me eyes going wide. I jerked backward trying to get away. His grip faltered and I found myself stumbling backward into Rhysand. He steadied me quickly but Azriel suddenly looked murderous a dark fury rising up in his eyes that sent me shaking. 

I hated this. I hated feeling weak. I could usually keep better control of myself than this. But the images of the dark nothing ate at the back of my mind. My body moved with a speed that was unnatural. Was wrong. My proportions were so much longer now I hardly knew how to deal with it.

Everyone was looking between the two of us as if we had suddenly grown two heads each. Rhysand carefully let go of me and some of the fury within his eyes dimmed. His fury so cold almost as if frost had crawled into his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” I muttered glancing down at my feet. The tattoos were even there. “I’m not meaning to freak out. I just….I don’t understand any of this.” I admitted to him. “You have  _ wings _ . Real working wings. And you’re all so beautiful. I couldn’t even understand you at first. I just wanted to get home. I know it was stupid to walk home alone. But this shouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s no fault of your own.” Rhysand murmured from behind me. The shadowed man, Azriel as they called him, was still staring at me as if the rest of the world had fallen away for the moment. Between us, for a moment, I swore I could feel a moonstone expanse just forged and shimmering. Unseen and yet so real I felt if I reached out I would feel the intricate twists of it beneath my hands. 

Disbelief echoed through my head. 

I jerked back slamming back into Rhysand. 

“I’m so sorry.” I gasped moving slightly away from him. “Maybe I should just go.” I offered glancing at the entrance of the tent. I already knew that I wouldn’t know where to go. I didn’t know where I was or even who these people truly were. Tears stung my eyes at the thought, but I pushed the emotion down quickly not wanting this group of people to see me cry. 

“Where would you go?” That was Amren watching me with the strange ruthless intensity. She arched one delicate eyebrow when I didn’t answer at first.

“Away from here. I’ll figure out how to get home.”

“Not possible.” Amren sighed. 

A soft touch on my arm and I found myself looking toward Feyre and Rhysand. They were holding hands. A couple, I realized. Of course they were. They had hardly stopped touching each other the entire time I had known them. 

“The place you came from was a world apart from our own. You fell through when the Cauldron cracked. We sealed you here on this side when we mended it.” Rhysand tried to gently explain. I shook my head taking a few steps back.

“None of this is real.” I told them. Told myself. All I got back was pity. I was moving toward the tent exit before I knew what to do. The large one tried to grab at me, but some instinct had me twisting and dancing just beyond his fingers and then I was out the door.


	3. Escape

There were loads of tents. Further in the distance was that battleground we had walked past. Even from here I could see swaths of ground that were painted red in what I could smell was blood. It’s thick scent coating my tongue and lingering in the back of my throat. 

For a moment I stumbled the sight of mass carnage trying to freeze me in place, but I quickly forced the body to keep going. Using it’s surprising speed and agility to flee. The stretch and burn of muscle almost felt nice. Feet hardly touching the ground. 

I attempted to reach the forestline somehow knowing that the people in the tent would follow me. Something shifted in the shadows, a wash of leather and ink, and strong hands were suddenly ripping me to a stop. Before, I was sure that the sudden stop would have ripped something at least. Instead it only jolted and bruised. 

“Let go.” I hissed attempting to squirm away. 

“You know nothing of this world.” Azriel growled. “You would last but a few hours out there. I’d bet on it.” 

“You don’t know anything about me.” I growled right back. 

“I know enough.” 

Anger rolled through me and I glared at the winged man. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking at all. The momentary outburst of shock was gone and nothing had taken its place. How dare this stranger think to tell me what to do. To trap me yet again. 

“It’s not your problem either way.” I told him harshly. 

“I will not let you run out to be killed.” Short. Clipped. Matter of fact. Infuriating. 

“You don’t get to _let me_ do anything.” I tried, and failed, to get free of his grasp. He simply raised one perfect eyebrow at my struggle. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” The deep voice of the other winged one. As soon as I heard another voice I doubled my efforts to get out of his hands. A few more sets of feet. The same smells of the strangers in the tent wafting over me. 

Desperate I bit down on the closest part of Azriel that I could reach, which turned out to be his upper arm. Blood exploded on my tongue but the hold did not waver one bit. I gagged at the taste. 

“Nova.” Amren’s voice was sharper than a knife. 

“Tell him to let go.” 

“She will only run.” My captor rumbled. I glared up at him and felt something distantly whisper words I couldn’t understand. And yet I knew that it was a way to get out. To get away. I only needed to say them. 

“Nova, we mean you no harm.” That was the unnamed one. “Truly.” I looked to them, and the unnamed one was staring at me with a sincerity that absolutely wiped away any doubt in my mind. Amren had raised a brow at me as I looked to her. There was a flash of recognition. I stopped fighting. 

“What’s your name? I’m sorry I didn’t ask before.” I looked to the large winged man. 

“Cassian.” 

I glanced at them all, the tang of blood still lingering in my mouth. Shame rushed through me and I ducked my head. I was acting like some sort of cornered animal. 

“We understand,” Feyre’s voice was gentle. “I get it.” She clarified. “To lose everything you knew. Rhys said you were a mortal before?”

“What do you mean mortal?” I asked confused. 

“Human.” She added watching me carefully. 

“Of course I’m human, what else could I have been?” The hands holding me tensed slightly. I glanced toward Azriel confused. His expression was frozen. And yet I could feel that faint echo of disbelief. 

“Have you heard of Fae?” That was Amren.

“Fae, like the Fair Folk?” They had actually been a favorite topic of mine. All my favorite books were about the Fae and their exploits. 

“Yes.” She answered.

“Yeah I read about them. Old Irish tales right?” The silence of the group slowly drove me on. “They were considered to be old gods in Ireland. Christians however cast them as fallen angels or demons. Some thought they were the creatures who roamed the earth before humans existed. A few thought they were elementals personifying the will of nature. Oh, shit sorry.” I mumbled blushing slightly. “I didn’t mean to ramble. I just wrote a few papers concerning them.” 

“Have you ever met one?” Cassian asked softly.

“What do you mean? They’re not real.” Once again that flex of fingers on my skin. The only indication he actually heard what I was saying. Those shadows were starting to move to me again and I held my breath trying to ignore it. 

“There was no wall.” Rhysand breathed. “They’re stories to you.” 

“Well yeah. I mean I did try to dance in a fairy circle once when I was little. Nothing happened.” I mumbled. 

“What about magic? That’s a story too isn’t it?” Feyre asked eyes wide. I simply nodded confused. 

“Stars.” Morrigan watched me with wide eyes. I felt Azriel’s attention go to her, and conflict thundered in the distance. His fingers twitched again and then suddenly let go of me as if I had burned him. We both took steps away from each other. His eyes flickered between Morrigan and I for a good moment that strange conflicting sensation only growing. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked taking a step toward him. 

“She’s…” His eyes met mine and for a moment I felt that bridge spanning between us. 

“Mother help us.” Amren hissed. 

Morrigan looked to me then shock crossing her face fully. I took a step back further into the trees at the way they all seemed to be gawking at me. For a moment I was envious of Azriel with those shadows curling about him, helping to hide him. 

“Azriel is she….?” The question hung in the air between Morrigan and Azriel. There was a tortured look in his eyes as he stared at her. He nodded, just once as if the motion took all of his strength. Was I what? 

So many eyes going to me. I took another step back. 

“Okay, wait.” Cassian was holding a hand out to me. “This is too much to take in. Perhaps we should move her to a safer place for now.”

“What of the other High Lords? How will they react to you taking the Book of Breathings a second time?” All head whipped to Amren. 

“I threw that book into the Cauldron.” Feyre said in a horrified whisper. 

“Seems the girl found it.” Amren walked to me that beast of a thing echoing in her eyes. I took another step back but a softening in her face held me still as she reached out and took my hand. Her fingers brushed up my arm following the strange runes. “Seems like you _are_ it. I know these markings. As should you all if you stopped your chattering to actually _look_ at the girl.” 

“I don’t understand.” I told her quietly.

“Of course you don’t.” 

Rhysand breathed out harshly running a hand over his face. I felt so small among these people. Less of a person and more of an enigma they were trying to solve before moving on. Rhysand’s eyes went to Feyre’s but no words were spoken between the two of them. Amren looked up at me her eyes seeing everything. Morrigan was still glancing between Azriel and myself a strange mixture of excitement, happiness, and loss crossing her face. I nearly shrieked when Cassian was suddenly looking down at me less than a foot away. For someone so big he could move so quietly. 

“Mind filling me in on something?” His voice was so soft compared to before. 

“What?” I asked shrinking into myself a bit more. It was easier to fight when I was filled with anger. Confusion just made me want to shrink.

“What do you remember? Before you got here?”

“I…” My voice cracked slightly. I didn’t want to think about it. Talk about it. Tears burned my eyes but I didn’t let them fall. “I was trying to go home. I just got off of work and my car is broken so I had to walk in the dark.”

“Car?” 

A sob nearly forced its way out of my throat at his genuine confusion. My face must have given it away because he looked slightly alarmed. 

“It’s…” How did you explain a car to someone who didn’t know anything about it? “It’s like a horseless carriage.” 

“You have no magic there. How do you get it to move?”

“It’s mechanical. It runs off of gas.” I mumbled. He simply waited for me to continue. “There was this...darkness. Liquid darkness. It swallowed me whole.” 

More eyes falling upon me as I spoke. I looked to Cassian who was watching with a patient expression. 

“It tried to eat me. Make me into nothing. It was worse than pain.” I told him earnestly. “I started to forget how to be me. How to be anything.” I could almost feel it again. The way it simply dissolved me until I didn’t know who I was. Where I was. The wailing and laughing in my arms. “There was a book. I caught it. We were dying together and it kept talking. Laughing and crying and then we felt this power. It stopped the darkness and woke something up. That thing took us.” I started to shiver. “It...hurt. Instead of darkness it was water and we were on fire. And freezing. It changed us and then someone grabbed our hand. My hand.” I corrected blinking. 

_Pretty thing._ Something cooed. I shivered violently and felt my stomach twist. I could still taste the iron of blood. I twisted away and dropped to my knees my body heaving. There wasn’t much to throw up, a little water and stomach acid but that was it. 

“They’ll use her.” Amren’s voice was quiet. 

I spat into the grass. There was a soft hand on my shoulder, and I took it not caring that I didn’t know them that well. A strong and elegant hand. I followed it back to see hazel eyes looking into mine. Shadows curling around the place we touched. He _ached_ for me. I could feel it as much as the horror that threatened to break me. 

“It’s not your fault.” Azriel whispered.

I broke. The dam I had built against the tears just broke. He somehow touched the one thing I was trying not to think of. The guilt. It had to be my fault. If I hadn’t walked home, if I had just skipped work, if I hadn’t held onto that book I would be okay and home. He was suddenly pulling me to his chest letting me stain his armor with tears. His wings curled around the two of us blocking out the world. They were red, I realized distantly. Threaded with gold and shadows. I shivered in his arms not knowing why I wanted to stay with him. Why I felt okay sobbing into him.

“Damn it all.” Cassian growled the softer side of him gone. “How do we fix this mess?”

“No one knows but us, we could just take her with us.” Morrigan spoke. I tried to get control of myself working to slow my breathing and killing each sob until I was only quietly sniffling. 

“What happens when they find out?” Amren asked. “Are you willing to shatter a potential peace before it’s forged?”

“We have to tell the other High Lords. Hopefully Drakon and Miryam will be on their way before the meeting.” Rhysand muttered. 

“What happens if they want her?” Feyre asked calmly.

“No.” Azriel’s voice was absolute. 

“There’s no guarantee-” Cassian began angrily.

“ _No._ ” The word was terrifying. I pulled slightly back to look up at Azriel and what I saw made me stop. His eyes were filled with ice and a deep wrath that left me breathless. Absolute darkness.

“I’ll go.” I told them. 

“We can’t keep this from them.” Rhysand’s voice was deeper. More powerful and with it came images of dark night skies. 

“You’ll have to tear her from my-”

“I’ll go.” I said loud enough to cut him off. I pushed slightly at his chest and his wings receded. “Put me down. Whatever this is it’s obviously important to you all. If I have to go and meet these...Lords...then so be it.” I said with a bravado I didn’t feel. 

I must have made an interesting sight. Sniffling and trying to sound brave with tears still fresh on my face. He didn’t put me down.

“Your fate will be in their hands.” Amren told me seriously. “For all we know they’ll lock you up. Or kill you for the power etched into your skin.” 

“Is there another option?” I asked quietly. I wasn’t sure exactly what was happening but I knew it was all my fault. For being here. Everything felt distant anyway. The body that was not mine still being held in the arms of a winged shadow man. All this beauty and terror side by side. It wouldn’t matter what happened in the long run. I didn’t quite care. Couldn’t bring myself to care.

 _Love and Apathy_. The thought felt familiar. I nearly nodded agreeing with it. All of these opposites side by side. The love these people shared with each other was apparent. 

“You could claim her.” Morrigan suddenly looked above me to Azriel. Again that distant thunder of conflict.

“ _Claim_ me?” 

“If you told them that she’s your Mate…” Morrigan trailed off slightly. “If that’s what...she is.” 

“Mate?” I asked looking up to him. He looked down at me but if he was feeling anything he wasn’t showing it. 

“That might work.” Amren seemed to be considering it. 

“What do you all mean?” I asked them. Once again it was like I wasn’t even there to them. Azriel was simply watching my face. I pushed slightly at his chest trying to get him to drop me. He shifted letting me go back to my feet. I immediately stepped away from him already embarrassed at my earlier actions. 

Crying on strangers wasn’t the most dignified act. 

“We’ll have to keep her hidden until then. Can’t have any rumors spreading of a strange looking High-Fae.” Feyre said glancing me over. 

“All of this hinging on the assumption he’ll claim her.” Amren clarified looking at Azriel. 

I grit my teeth and looked to the small group surrounding me. “I swear to whatever you all hold holy if you don’t tell me what’s going on I will make every second you try to keep me around a living hell.” 

That got their attention.

“I’m not some _thing_ to be claimed like property.” I hissed my fear taking a backseat to the deep seeded hatred that sexism could pull from me. “You all have terrible bedside manner.” That got a raised eyebrow from Cassian. “I’m nearly erased from _existence,_ shoved into a strange place with even stranger people, and you can’t even tell me why a man with wings that I hardly know the name of is supposedly grappling with the fact that he may need to _claim_ me. Which sounds like an archaic shithole of a tradition, by the way.” I moved slightly toward them and felt something deep within me click in response to my anger. “I’m not property. I’m not some burden that you all have to tuck away to keep safe. I am a human being and as such I deserve some semblance of respect. I don’t care if I have no idea what’s going on. I don’t care if this body is mine or not. You _will_ treat me with the same basic amount of respect I’ve been giving you or I swear for as long as you all try to hold me against my will I will fight every second of every day until I’m free.”

It wasn’t until the end of my tirade I realized it was the most I had spoken to them. Silence reigned around me ringing with the anger that had, for the moment, strengthened me back into some semblance of control over myself.

“Oh, I like you.” Morrigan said a grin slowly spreading across her face. “You’re right, we should be letting you know what’s going on. But…” She paused thinking.

“You have little to no knowledge about this world.” Rhysand said from beside me. I glanced to him. He searched my face for a second. “We have precious little time before someone finds out about you. Until the information about you is spread to the other High Lords. We can’t spend the time we have left explaining all of this to you. You’re right that we’ve been-”

“Complete asshats.” I supplied crossing my arms. That got a chuckle out of Cassian.

“Imprudent.” Rhysand said a smile tugging at the edge of his mouth. “We are simply trying to navigate the situation so that you can come back with us.”

“You think I’d want to when you’re treating me like an afterthought?” 

“Point taken.” Morrigan said with a nod. 

Feyre suddenly moved to me and I was proud that I held my ground against such a powerful woman. She looked haunted, I realized, they all did. All of them had dark circles under their eyes and darkness lurking in their gazes. The same way I looked I was sure. Like they had just been through something awful. 

“I know it’s a lot to ask, but we need you to trust us to help you. When we get back we can explain everything. You can take as much time as you need to come to terms with this. But we need you to trust us.” 

I could tell that they weren’t bad people. I could see it in the way they all held their breaths waiting on my answer. I looked at each of them in turn, and then sighed.

“Yeah. Okay. You all seem nice despite everything.” I muttered. “I don’t have anyone else to trust anyway.”


	4. Elain

They were instantly moving quickly bringing me back to the tent. I was asked to stay put while they went off to talk about what was happening. Time felt warped when I was alone. I eventually curled up on the bunk a numb dread falling over me. 

It was so loud, and so quiet at the same time. It should be quiet, but instead I could hear everything happening to me. I closed my eyes but it didn’t help much. Eventually I heard footsteps heading to my tent. When the flap opened I thought about faking being asleep, but sighed and pulled myself up only freezing when I didn’t recognize the woman standing in the doorway.

Her hair was a familiar shade of golden-brown but her eyes were a rich brown. She was absolutely lovely, like a flower just blooming in the spring. Fragile, in a way. Her eyes swept over me for a moment and then she moved to sit at the end of the cot. 

“Hello.” She spoke softly. 

“Hi.” I said pulling my legs away from her. She took in the action with sad eyes. A lot about her screamed sad. Like she was mourning something. A lot of somethings. 

“My sister said you’d be here.” She glanced to her hands. “She said you were like Nesta and I.” 

“I wouldn’t know.” I told her cautiously. “Who’s your sister?”

“Feyre.” I could see the resemblance now. Where Feyre was all power and beauty this girl was all softened edges and gentle beauty. “She said you were Made.”

“I guess you could call it that.” I said glancing to my arms. “I don’t really get what happened.”

“Are you okay?” I felt my throat close slightly at her soft question. Eventually I simply shook my head a deep exhaustion sweeping through me. I could hardly wrap my head around anything that had happened. “I understand.” 

We sat in silence for a while then without warning she moved to me pulling out a brush. She held my gaze in a silent question. I bit my lip but nodded slightly. She tucked herself back behind me and began a slow and torturous process of getting all of the knots out the hair little by little. I closed my eyes not wanting to see it as it began to fall more readily around my face. 

“My name is Elain.” The brush was moving easily now. I could feel silken strands brushing lightly against my face. 

“I’m Nova.” 

Another silence where Elain simply brushed my hair, even if the knots were gone. I wondered if she was trying to comfort me, or if the motion of it comforted her. Eventually I opened my eyes and jerked slightly at the color of it.

This body I was in.

It was the lightest platinum I had ever seen. I could tell that the dirty water had darkened it a touch, but otherwise it was so silver that it was almost startling. My stomach rolled. It was the same length as my old hair, but that was where most similarities ended. My hair had been golden and darker. It had the same natural wave to it at least, but the texture was so much better. So much softer. Like running strands of silk through my fingers. 

“It’s different.” I told her quietly. 

“What did you look like before?” 

“I….I had blonde hair.” I said letting another strand of silver brush over my fingers. “It didn’t like to look smooth or pretty most days. I always wore it up and out of my face because of how frizzy it liked to get. Freckles everywhere. Pale. Hazel eyes that on a good day looked amber.” I listed off a strange emptiness in my chest expanding. “No tattoos.” 

Elain stayed quiet which I took as a bad thing. She quit brushing my hair and simply sat with me listening to the muffled conversations and footsteps. When Rhysand and Azriel strode through the door I had nearly fallen asleep sitting up. Elain glanced to the two of them and then to me. Both seemed shocked to see her there.

“Elain, what are you doing here?” Rhysand asked gently. 

“I wanted to keep Nova company. She shouldn’t be alone.” I glanced to her shocked but she just gave me a tired smile. There was an understanding in her eyes that made me want to break down crying. Instead I gave her a small smile back. She knew what it was like, I could tell by the set of her shoulders, the way she watched me. A pulse of understanding between the two of us and her smile widened the smallest bit. 

“Are you prepared?” Rhysand looked me over. “We will be going straight into the meeting of High Lords.”

My stomach clenched thinking of being paraded in front of a group of strange and powerful people all because I caught a book. A book that was etched into my very skin. My very being. 

_ Do not fear. _ Something deep inside whispered. I violently shoved it down, deeper inside of me to a place I couldn’t hear. I hated it. That voice that tried to speak to me. The sound that raced along with my pulse and shifted underneath my skin. 

“Yes.” I sounded calm. I stood glancing at Elain one last time. She looked the smallest bit concerned standing with me.

“Bring her back.” Elain suddenly spoke. Both men, who had been looking to me shifted to look at her surprised. “She doesn’t deserve this.” There was a deep seeded emotion in her voice that made me wonder if she somehow saw herself in me. “You bring her back so we can help heal her.”

“I don’t need-”

“Yes, you do.” For someone so soft her eyes looked like living flame for a moment. Those flames looked to Rhysand then settled onto Azriel. “She deserves better. This is our fault.”

“I don’t see how-”

“We broke the Cauldron.” She cut Azriel off. “Feyre and Amren broke the cauldron so that we could win. Feyre threw the book away. This is the price.” 

For a moment I could hardly stand the feeling of all their eyes.

“Listen I’m not some price that was exacted.” I glanced between them. “I’m not anyone’s problem but my own. I don’t need any of you.” Azriel’s eyes hardened the smallest bit. 

“We don’t have time for this. Elain, I understand. Nova, if you will?” I expected him to hold out his hand, but Azriel beat him to it those intense eyes boring into mine. I slowly took his hand and tried my best to keep up with their quick pace. More winged men this time noticing me and staring as I was paraded between the two men. 

“Rhysand, you said you’re a High Lord?” I asked too nervous with the increasing attention. He tilted his head to look at me. 

“Yes.”

“And Cassian said that you had the Night Court?” Azriel glanced at me as we walked. I met his gaze before looking to my own feet marching over the grass. I hoped that nothing was going to stab me. 

“You remember that?”

“If your Court is Night, what are the others?” 

A soft laugh that reminded me of soft breezes in the moonlight. “Well, there are seven courts that rule over Prythian. Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring,” Rhysand listed off ticking his fingers as he went. “Then there’s Dawn, Day, and my own Night Court.”

“What about Dusk?” 

“Dusk?” That was Azriel.

“Well if you have Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter that makes sense because it covers each season. But if you have Dawn, Day, and then Night you’re missing another transitional period. Think of it like skipping Autumn.” 

“Dawn covers both.” Rhysand seemed amused. “Have you been taught somewhere?” 

“What do you mean? Do you mean did I go to college?” I asked seeing a big tent in the distance that I had a feeling was our destination. 

“Have you had proper schooling?”

“Ummmm….yeah I guess. I was in normal school from when I was five to when I was eighteen. Then I spent four extra years in college getting a double degree in journalism and English.” I started counting in my head. “So I guess around eighteen years worth of school.” 

“How old are you?” Azriel asked his hand flexing around my own. 

“Twenty four.” 

“Eighteen years out of twenty four.” Rhysand had slowed his pace. 

“Yep. Let’s see that would be about...if you reduce it down…..” I bit my lip working through reductions in my mind. “Math wasn’t my strongest suit.” I told them quietly. “About….seventy five percent of my life I think.”

“What all did you learn about?” Azriel seemed genuinely interested.

“Oh everything.” I sighed. “Math, Science, History, Languages. Anything and everything they could shove down our throats. I mean, not important day to day adult skills like taxes or how to navigate a tough interview, but I mean at least I know that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. I loved music the best though.”

“Were you a noble?” 

I glanced to the shadow-ringed man and shook my head. “No, I guess you’d call me a peasant in those terms. Or maybe a Scholar since I did go to college and work my ass off at it.” 

Then we were at the tent. I felt my throat close up. It was too easy to talk about things I knew about. Anything familiar in this landscape of weird. But reality quickly came crashing down around me. They could see it too.

“It’s going to be okay.” Rhysand stopped in front of me. “I know you don’t know us or trust us. But we are going to do everything we can so that you come back with us. We can give you a safe space to figure things out. Elain was right. Your fate is because of all of us.” 


	5. High Lords

He pushed into the tent and I fearfully clung to Azriel not quite sure if I cared that I didn’t know him that well. I knew him better than the beings that watched me enter the tent. They were power given humanoid forms. Their gazes had a physical weight that made it harder to walk. Six men, all beautiful, staring into my soul. 

“This is it?” Asked a brown-haired man his eyes sweeping over me. In one glance I could feel his appraisal and dismissal as if I weren’t enough to even stand in his presence.

“This is Nova,” Feyre said from a seat to the right of where Rhysand had headed, “she’s the female who was Made with the Book of Breathings.”

“It doesn’t look like much.” The man huffed. Something in my chest sparked. That thing I shoved down inside myself laughed distantly. 

“She.” I said lowly. “You meant to say ‘She doesn’t look like much’.” 

“Pardon me?” I could feel the self-righteous rant brewing. I immediately hated him. 

“You’re pardoned.” I cut in sharply. All of the eyes watching me widened except for the immovable face that looked more like it was hewn from ice than flesh. “If you’ve come together to decide my fate the least you can do is talk to me as if I’m a person.” The rational part of me screamed something about these being important people. That I should be meek. Scared. 

That thing inside me laughed again.  _ No, pretty thing. Little traveler. Our own. They should fear you. _ I tried to push it down but it was hard with so many eyes on me.

“How dare-”

“Let her speak.” That was another man. He had hair nearly the same color as mine, but where my skin was pale his was a dark mahogany. His eyes looked like crystal clear lakes. Even as I set eyes upon him the thing rolled and grinned at him. It knew him.

_ Tarquin _ . It told me.  _ He tastes of sea salt and fresh breezes. He held us prisoner, seperated, under the sea.  _ I tried to push the voice away again but it resisted.  _ Until the liar freed us. _

“Your name is Tarquin.” I told him even as I knew it was stupid. The voices, both calm and manic were asking me to. Pushing and prodding until the words simply came out. 

“Yes, have they told you about me?” He glanced toward Rhysand and Feyre. 

“No…” I grit my teeth as they pushed at me again. _ This matters little traveler. Speak. Give us a voice and you will be safe. _ I was too tired to let the voices do anything but what they wanted. “It remembers you. In the dark, locked away, seperated. Lied to. Betrayed, but for a good cause.” The words babbled out. But seeing his eyes darken like a oncoming storm I forced my mouth shut in a burst of panic. “I’m sorry.” I muttered when I could. 

“Can you hear the book?” Tarquin asked contemplative. 

“We are the book. Old and New. Unmade then Made.” I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood. The pain of it helped center me. Helped me drag the voices away and drown them in myself. “No.” I ground out. “I’m Nova. I mean, yes I can hear it sometimes, but I’m not some stupid book.” 

“It’s clearly mad.” The brown haired one spat.

“I’m not.” I defended. “Whatever happened to me in that dark place did this to me. But I’m not crazy.”

_ Aren’t we though? _

“Let’s get to the point.” That was a new man one who looked a little mad himself. His eyes kept flickering to Feyre with a possession and dark fury that made me take a step back. “This is about who gets to keep her. Tarquin was the keeper, so it only makes sense that he gets last say.” 

A good number of the men nodded. Rhysand looked a little pale. Tarquin was staring at me and I felt the desperation set in again. 

“I don’t want to go with you.”

“What’s wrong with him?” The brown haired man asked with a cruel smile. 

“I don’t belong there.” I said softly.

“Where else would you belong?” The mad one asked. “You don’t think you belong with that lot just because they found you first do you? Or like Feyre are you willing to spread yourself to the first person to show you kindness?” 

She flinched. Rhysand’s eyes darkened. Azriel's body suddenly went rigid. 

“Fuck you.” The words whipped out before I could stop them. Something in the man’s green eyes reminded me of a beast in that moment. 

“What was that?”

“I said fuck you.” How dare this crazy-eyed motherfucker even try to insinuate anything about Feyre or myself. “I don’t know what’s between the two of you, but I do know that she and Rhysand seem very happy with each other. I would gladly go somewhere for that kind of happiness.” 

Claws ripped out of the man’s hands. There was a shriek of wood as he gouged a good deep swipe out of the wood of the table they were all sitting at. One second I was feeling brave and pissed off the next I was neatly tucked behind Azriel who had unsheathed his blade. Without knowing why I reached out and caught that arm pulling it back toward me. After a moment of resistance he let me. 

“She’s my mate. I claim her as such. If she belongs anywhere it is with me.” Azriel spoke low and through clenched teeth. His whole body vibrated with a tension that I could only guess was him holding himself back from going after the men. 

There was a beat of silence. The kind that could swallow you if it lasted too long. My ears began to ring and I suddenly felt nauseous. Yup, at the first sign of retaliation my anger had burned away leaving me with nothing but hollow panic and the tang of fear. 

“Truly?” Tarquin was watching Azriel. “This female is your mate?”

“She has not accepted me, but the bond is there.” Azriel said and as if in response to his words there was the softest touch that zinged down that moonstone bridge. I shivered at the feeling. 

“Do you want to go with them?” Tarquin’s voice was soft. I stepped out slightly letting go of Azriel’s arm to look at the High Lord properly. 

“I don’t know.” I breathed. “I don’t understand any of this. I don’t get how he just did that.” I said motioning to the man whose hands were back to normal. Curiosity sparked in more than one gaze. “I don’t understand what this book is, or why you are all called High Lords. But...I do know that they’ve been kind to me.” I glanced down at my hands.

“Go on.” I realized that it would be so easy to go with Tarquin. He seemed easy to get along with. 

“I think they care what happens to me. In some way.” Tarquin smiled softly and I felt something relax in me.

“How about this, you can go with them for now. But should you feel the need you may come and visit Adriata for yourself. My Court is open to you.” 

Azriel felt like a statue beside me. As if he were holding himself in check. 

“Okay.” I agreed. He nodded as did the rest of the men. And that, it seemed, was that for now.


	6. Downtime

The next hour or so was filled with activity. Rhysand’s court seemed to be getting ready to move away from the battlefield. Feyre and Rhysand went off to oversee everything. Azriel had been ordered away for the moment leaving me in the care of one bright and bubbly Morrigan. 

“We can walk around if you’d like. I’m sure you’re tired of being shoved into tents.” She had suggested. I felt strangely empty. I knew I should be feeling something, but after the meeting I didn’t feel much at all. Except tired maybe. 

So I walked about on the edges of the encampment with Morrigan following quietly behind me. Something in me knew that something important was being moved away from us, out toward the shimmering line of the sea. I pushed that part of me down and away until I could hardly feel it anymore. When Morrigan suddenly grabbed my arm moving me behind her I blinked at her slowly.

“I mean her no harm.” A familiar voice said lightly. Tarquin stood not too far away his eyes locked onto me. 

“You agreed to let her come with us.” Morrigan said cautiously. 

“Yes, I did. And I will uphold that. I simply wanted to speak with her. Is that okay with you?” It took me a second to notice the last question had been directed at me.

“Yeah.” 

Morrigan glanced at me but nodded once stepping off to the side. 

Up close Tarquin did indeed smell like the sea. He looked me over the same as I was now looking him over. A gentle warmth seemed to radiate from him and the more I looked the more the white of his hair reminded me of bleached sand and wood rather than silver. Everything about him spoke of heat and things flourishing. I smiled slightly at him and I relaxed as thick and warm power spilled from him as he smiled back..

“I know it must be difficult for you just now.” He was gentle with his words. I nodded knowing that I should be troubled. I should be scared like I was, but after the meeting everything simply felt far away. “You were mortal before this, correct?” 

“I don’t understand that. You all say mortal as if there’s anything else.” But some part of me knew that there had to be something different. Men shouldn’t have real wings, have their hands mutate into claws, or have warmth rolling off of them like a gentle summer’s day. They shouldn’t be so beautiful with sharp ears and eyes that can cut like glass.

“So what they said is true. You’ve never met Fae before. You’re from an entirely separate world.” He glanced down for a moment. “When you’re ready I would love to hear about that world. I may have had my issues with the Night Court before, but please do not let that color your opinion of me.” 

“You seem nice. Much better than the brown-haired asshole.” 

Amusement flashed over Tarquin’s face. “His name is Beron, he’s the High Lord for the Autumn Court. Did the book not tell you about him?”

“I told it to shut up.” I muttered looking to the grass underneath my feet. 

“It must be frightening.” Tarquin seemed truly sympathetic. “All of this must be overwhelming. I’ll take my leave now, it seems your High Lord is coming for the two of you. I do hope to see you again.” And with that he simply vanished. I jerked away panic breaking through the numbness for a moment before being drowned again.

“It’s okay Nova.” Morrigan said reaching out to take my hand. “You’ll get used to it.”

“I’d rather go home.”

“I know.” She frowned. “I’m sorry.” 

“My roommate is going to be so upset.” My voice sounded strange. I tried not to think of anything at all. 

“Is she ready, Mor?” That was Rhysand striding up with Feyre at his side. I didn’t see whatever Mor did but I could see Feyre looking me over a bit closer. I tried not to shrink from her gaze. Whatever she found made her frown the smallest bit. 

“Let’s get you out of here.” Feyre muttered reaching out for my free hand. Morrigan let go. The world suddenly shifted. It was nothing but wind and darkness. Then we were falling. Strong hands grabbed a hold of me and we soared wind whipping my face. Flying...

I slammed into the ground as they let me go landing a few yards away with a neat flap of wings. They were looking at me even as I scrambled away. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. I didn’t want to be unmade again. Feyre reached for me and there was a high and reedy screech. My throat hurt and Feyre jerked away looking alarmed. 

“Nova, it’s okay. You’re safe.” That was Rhysand approaching me like I was some animal. 

“Don’t…” I gasped my back slamming into something sharp. I gasped at the sharp pain. “I don’t want to go back.” I breathed around the hurt. 

“Be still.” Rhysand’s voice tugged on something I didn’t realize I had. A little string that demanded my body to obey. I stopped my mad scramble and sat still. “It’s okay, we just winnowed.” He tried to explain. I guess my expression told him all he needed to know. “How about we get you to a room? This is the House of Wind, you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you wish. I’ll have someone run you a hot bath, it might help to calm you.” 

“Okay.” I breathed. He nodded. 

“I can stay with you if you want.” Feyre offered looking guilty. “We should have realized…”

“No, I’m okay. I’m sorry. I swear I’m not like this.” I groaned trying to get back control of myself. “I keep freaking out and snapping at people.” 

“You’ve been through a lot in a rather small amount of time. It’s only expected for you to react to it.” Rhysand gave her a patient smile. “Take some time for yourself. We have some business to attend to, but then we can help. Nuala and Cerridwen will show you to your room.”

Twin women stepped onto the balcony bowing at both Rhysand and Feyre before gesturing for me to follow them. I looked to the couple for a moment before hurrying after the twins. It didn’t take long for them to deposit me in a rather large bedroom with covered windows. It was bigger than my own bedroom, and there were the soft smells of lavender and mist coming from a connected and open room. As I stepped into the room a new woman startled me. She watched me with wide blue-green eyes that looked more like two universes clashing around her pupil than actual eyes. She was beautiful if not a bit ethereal with soft trembling lips and pale skin. Long dark eyelashes fluttered as she took me in. As I realized that I was taking myself in. For a moment I couldn’t help but feel relieved that the markings didn’t cover my face. They instead curled down my neck flowing underneath the shirt I wore down to my torso and arms. I slowly reached up and touched my own cheek watching my reflection mirror me. My eyes were incredible and so unlike my own I felt tears threaten to form. It had to be some form of heterochromia. There were green around my iris, but it swirled outwards to clash irregularly with a deep and jewel-toned blue. 

The new room was a bathroom, with a large porcelain tub filled with fragrant steaming water. There were even a few bits of actual lavender floating on the top of the water. I turned away from the mirror not wanting to look at the silvery beauty that was supposed to be me. I let out a choked sigh as I realized that they had real toilets too. 

There didn’t seem to be anyone else coming to bother me so I quickly shed the makeshift outfit and slipped into the tub. The warmth was a godsend. It wasn’t long before I was tilted back letting the clean water cover almost all of me. 


	7. Found and Found Again

There were no thoughts for a while until I realized that the water was much cooler than when I had first submerged myself. Some distant part of myself recoiled at the thought of being submerged in cold water. I decided to get to work scrubbing away at the body trying not to focus too heavily on the curling runes and designs as I got to work. Once done with I found what I guessed was shampoo and worked it through my hair rinsing it extra just in case. By the time I stepped out of the tub the natural light that had been leaking into the room was muted. A little scrabbling around left me with an overly large and very soft towel which I wrapped around myself. 

A glance in the mirror showed that I looked even better without the darkened layer that had dried on my skin. I didn’t let myself look too long. It felt surreal and more than a little bit terrifying. There was something about my eyes, something flickering and chaotic that I didn’t like. 

Discarded on the floor, the oversized and mismatched clothing I had been given didn’t present a pretty picture. All I could think of was the cold dark water that Amren had pulled me from and how it was still on those clothes. The remains of my transformation. My loss.

I stepped around the pile and glanced back into the large bedroom. The huge bed visually dominated the space. I wasn’t sure what it was made of, but it looked smooth and was a pale white reminding me, fittingly, of the moon. Four long posts were at each edge, holding up a thin and wisplike curtain that surrounded the bed like a mist. I supposed it made sense that the bedroom had a night theme considering Rhysand was the High Lord of the Night Court. Whatever that exactly meant. 

The windows on either side of the bed were covered with deep purple and blue curtains. The faint light that had been leaking from the sides of the windows was gone now, casting the room into a soft twilight. 

I moved a bit further into the room pulling the plush towel even tighter against me. The door was shut, which encouraged me to wander a bit further out. A dark dresser sat against the far wall, but a dark spot on the bedsheets caught my attention. I carefully edged toward it and released a breath when I realized they were clothing.

A deep purple that almost looked black, they felt almost silken in nature. The bottoms were all loose fabric carefully styled so that when I put them on they flowed from my hips and cinched at my ankles. There were stars embroidered along the sides. Perfectly stitched from a shimmering thread. So tiny and perfect. The shirt was...different.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I muttered and I tugged the shirt into place. “I’m not a Disney Princess, here.” I sighed. It was very much like Jasmine’s top in Aladdin. A type of crop top that showed off the newly flat and inked expanse of my stomach. It was solid around my chest, a tiny galaxy of stars curling around my torso, while the sleeves from my shoulders down to my wrists were shimmering and see-through. They almost seemed to be made to show off the curling black marks that I hated so much. At least they were comfortable and seemed to actually fit correctly. 

The silence was almost unbearable. The sensation hit me like a truck. I absolutely  _ hated _ how quiet it was. The twilight of the room should have bleached everything, rendering the world into a black and white ghost of itself, but I could still see the colors of the room. I knew without a doubt that the curtains were blue and purple. 

Such a small change, but I felt panic flutter into my body anyways. I touched my chest and saw the flash of black and silver that was my skin. The unfamiliar proportions. A soft buzzing began at the edge of my hearing along with a pulse of pain from my chest. 

“Fuck this.” Before I could change my mind I threw the door open and tried retracing the same path that the twins had led me down. I had to think of anything other than the growing panic. I focused on the smooth feeling of the rock underneath my feet. Every so often there were lit lanterns on the walls, flickering with some kind of surreal fire. I could smell them burning. It reminded me faintly of the renaissance fairs, but it was missing the constant smell of cooking meat and the constant chatter. 

The hallways were empty. Unnervingly so. I nearly cried in relief when I recognized the large balcony that Rhysand and Feyre had landed on. The moment the wind brushed over my skin I felt something within me quiet. 

The horrible silence was shattered by the soft sighing of the wind. I slowly walked out into the open my feet hardly making a sound. The view made me catch my breath. This place was so high up. A city sprawled below, the lights looking like constellations brought to earth. The streets looked paved with starlight, like so many rivers breaking apart and twisting back through themselves all of them heading toward the shimmering line of the ocean. I could faintly hear music drifting through the air, almost swallowed by the near-constant presence of the wind. I moved on silent feet that did not quite feel like mine to a darker edge of the balcony. I tested the railing and when I found it steady I leaned forward, letting the wind toss my hair as it pleased. This was better, I decided, letting my focus soften and shift letting the world blur together in a dance of light and dark. 

I wasn’t sure how long passed before I heard the distant sound of wings. I glanced up and pulled myself further into the shadows, wishing with all of me that whatever it was wouldn’t see me.  _ Seen and Unseen. _ It was the edge of a whisper, like some half-forgotten lullabye.  _ Overlooked. Unnoticed _ . I bit my lip and forcefully turned myself back toward the view shoving the cooing voices back down. They didn’t resist. The landing was relatively quiet, and footsteps headed away and into the house. 

Was it a house though? I twisted back looking at the strange architecture of the building they had put me inside. It was carved out of a mountain which made sense once I really thought about it. Even the balcony had to have been hewn from the mountainside. 

I bet that the lights looked strange from far away. I turned away and once again watched the shimmering lights of the city. It looked like something straight out of a fantasy novel. The night sky wasn’t polluted by the light beneath it. The stars looked like chips of diamond catching an unearthly light while the moon sat softly in the sky. I swore I could see more colors in the starlight than I had even been able to before. Another set of wings, and this time the landing was a bit rougher. There was a soft snicker.

“I wouldn’t if I were you.” Feyre’s voice snapped. It didn’t quite sound angry, if anything she sounded embarrassed. 

“Of course not.” Rhysand’s smooth voice, only slightly tinged with laughter. The interaction had me smiling even as they walked away, leaving me to the cool night air. I tried not to think of anything at all. The cold slowly drained me of feeling, so even the body felt distant. I tried to make out the lyrics of the music, but it was simply too far away. The melodies were constantly broken by the wind leaving them beautiful but unfinished. 

“There you are!” I jerked harshly at the voice almost instantly swinging toward the source. Cassian easily sidestepped my punch watching me seriously for a moment. I bit my lip and blushed realizing that I had tried to hit him. I tucked my hands behind my back, which prompted a smile from the massive guy. “I suppose Rhysand had no need to call Azriel to try and find you. Quiet little thing aren’t you?”

“You were looking for me?” I asked trying not to sound as cautious as I was.

“Feyre and Mor went to check on you. Imagine their surprise when you were nowhere to be found. I almost didn’t sense you over here at all.” He pointedly sniffed at me. “Even your scent is muted.” 

“My what now?” 

“Don’t tell me there aren’t scents where you’re from.” There was something strangely comforting about the huge man. The edges of his wings were crimson, backlit from the open doorways that spilled warm light into the night. I wondered if all Illyrian wings looked that way. Azriel’s wings had been threaded through with darkness, while Cassian’s seemed different. Lighter. 

“Not in the way I think you’re getting at. We can’t track people by their  _ scents _ .” I tilted my head at him slightly. “I mean dogs can…” I let the statement hang in the air between us. The smile from before widened a fraction.

“I suppose a mortal with their dull senses wouldn’t be able to track using scent alone.” I knew he was being playful by the crinkle around his eyes.

“Mortal.” I echoed softly a sense of dread settling over me, killing my calm mood. Cassian winced and rubbed the back of his neck. They kept saying mortal. 

“I forgot.” It took him a second before he spoke again. “You really come from a place where there is no wall?”

“There’s the Great Wall of China.” I offered trying not to sound too confused.

“China?”

It was my turn to wince. It was too much to wrap my head around. That this was an entire separate place than my home. “It’s a country.” I added as if it would jog his memory. 

“I should probably bring you inside before he gets here.” He muttered offering his arm to me. 

“Who?”

Cassian simply watched me till I hesitantly took his arm. He smiled and led me toward the lights. “See, I don’t bite.” I could see him studying me in the light. “Unless you want me to.”The look he gave me was just short of predatory, looking more amused than attracted to me. I narrowed my eyes and he chuckled. He expertly steered us through unfamiliar hallways. I heard them before I saw them.

“How is it you lost her?” That was Amren her voice as biting as ice. “Is it so hard to put the girl into a room for a few hours? Now we have no idea where she’s hiding.” 

“She’s not a prisoner.” Feyre answered back a bit harshly.

“No, she’s our guest.” Rhysand sounded like he was soothing Feyre. I wondered vaguely why she seemed so upset. Cassian glanced at me his eyes serious once more.

“Seems Amren’s in a mood.” He muttered watching me closely. Right, I was some sort of enigma to them as much as their entire world was a mystery to me. Just like that we were entering a slightly crowded room. Feyre and Rhysand stood near a table, Rhysand’s hand rubbing Feyre’s shoulder. Amren was in a chair twisting to look to me the glare not wiped from her face. Morrigan was also there relaxed in one of the chairs not looking at all surprised that Cassian was escorting me in. With all of their eyes falling on me my feet stopped working. Cassian stopped the moment he felt resistance. 

I wanted to disappear.  _ Unseen. Overlooked.  _ The voices chanted almost immediately. I shrank back trying to disengage from Cassian, but Feyre was already smiling at me.

“Nova.” She used my name as a greeting. 

“Hi.” I mumbled all too aware of the multiple eyes looking me over. 

“I see you were found.” Amren’s version of a greeting I supposed. It was rather rude actually. 

“Found is an interesting way to put it.” I answered back a flare of anger breaking through my stage fright. 

“Is it?” Oh, her eyes. It was like something dangerous slithered behind them for a moment. Something we recognized. 

“Yes.” I tried to calm myself.

“Perhaps if you were not hiding yourself away we wouldn’t have had to-”

“It’s not my fault you’re not perceptive.” I snapped. 

The room went still. Amren bared her teeth at me. “I would watch yourself girl.”

“Why? Having trouble doing it yourself?” I tried not to shudder at the look that she gave me. “Listen, you don’t know anything about me. I would think that someone else who had been in that... _ water _ would understand that maybe I need some time to decompress.”

“There are worse things than that water.” 

“Yeah, I know.” It was a soft confession but it seemed to hit her as if I had yelled it. “The place I was in before that was much worse than the water.” 

“What were you doing then?” It almost felt as if she had calmed down a bit. 

“It was too quiet in my room.” 

Cassian glanced down to me at that. I avoided all of their gazes. I hated this. Maybe I should go find the kindly High Lord who had offered me asylum in his court. This dynamic didn’t seem to have a place for me. Maybe someone there could help me get back to my world. Out of this imposter of a body.

“You feel trapped.” Feyre pointed out those blue eyes seeing far more than they should. “Is it because of us?” 

“No.” 

Morrigan sat up a bit her eyes going to Cassian then over my head. Then back to me a deep sadness in her gaze. Feyre looked a little confused and I sighed hating that she was somehow blaming herself for how I had been acting.

“I mean, yes and no.” I tried to clarify. I shook my head and glanced to my feet. “I feel trapped but not by you or your,” I paused glancing about the room, “court?” That was as good of a word as any. “It’s the body. That’s the worst thing.” 

“The body?” Morrigan asked sounded a bit horrified.

I glanced down to myself, letting alien fingers trace unfamiliar runes and perfect skin. “Yeah. It’s like I’m some parody of myself. Like someone photoshopped me into their version of perfection.”

“Photoshopped?” Cassian turned leaning against the doorframe revealing just the edge of another person. I yelped and threw myself backwards easily vaulting over the table and slamming into the far wall. The jolt of the impact scared me even more than Azriel who stood watching me impassively. 

“This!” I hissed looking down at myself in terror. “I shouldn’t move this fast. I shouldn’t be able to vault over a table that easily.” I could hear my heartbeat increasing. Heard it when it skipped a beat with the oncoming panic attack. From the sudden worry that flashed over the room I realized they could hear it too. It was too much.

The buzzing started again, and my fingers went numb. I could taste something metallic and my chest ached as my heart skipped another beat. Azriel was across the room in an instant his fingers going to my neck. He moved even faster than I could. I hardly saw him move at all. I tried to move away but there was a wall in the way.

Another skip. The buzzing had transformed into a roaring. 

“What’s wrong with her?” Cassian was moving to me as well. Too many people. I had cornered myself. Distantly I hissed at them baring my teeth like it was second nature. Cassian stopped moving. Azriel slowly removed his hand watching me with unreadable eyes. Something about they way they were all holding themselves cut through the panic. Made me worry about them.

“I-it’s okay.” I managed to stutter out. “I get heart palpitations,” damn talking was hard, “when I have panic attacks.” They shouldn’t have heard it in the first place. Neither should I. My legs gave out and I slid to the ground closing my eyes. I focused on breathing. Counting each inhale, holding my breath and then breathing back out. “My anxiety isn’t usually this bad.” I felt the need to explain. “I mean, I get panic attacks but not all the time.” 

“Do you mind if I sit with you?” Feyre’s voice was closer. I could hear her doing something and the feet near me moved away slightly. It made it a bit easier to breathe. 

“Okay.” 

“It’s a physical illness?” I could feel the heat off her skin, but she wasn’t quite touching me. 

“Yes and no. It’s called a mental illness I guess.” Not the best way to tell people about your mental illness, but they needed to know. 

“Your body reacted to it physically. Your heart…” Azriel’s voice this time. I wasn’t sure where exactly he was, just that he was to my right. 

“They’re called palpitations. My heart skips beats when I have bad enough panic attacks.” I felt detached. I was trying my best to reassure them even as the panic attack was still going. At least I could hear them now. It had to be fading. Quicker than usual.

“The Cauldron should have fixed any physical issues.” Rhysand muttered.

“Mental.” I corrected weakly. “Can it heal my mind too?”

“No.” Amren answered immediately. 

“I’m okay. Sorry.” I breathed finally opening my eyes. Feyre at my side smiled at me knowingly. I knew then that she must have had at least one panic attack. The water gave me a perfect body but couldn’t mend my mind. How funny.  _ Broken and Whole _ . 

By this point in the day everything felt too sharp. As if my senses were rubbed raw. I hated it. I hated that I could smell my own fear, metallic and strangely enticing. Whatever these people were, I could see there was something feral in every pair of eyes. Something inhuman and purely predator. I could smell them all. Feyre’s scent was the strongest, smelling like pears and something floral. It was her that I found myself studying. Some deeper part of me wanted to look at the shadow wreathed man, wanted to take him in and memorize those cold features. I tried to ignore it. 

“It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?” Feyre’s voice was soft. I nodded. I felt the stir of air that came with Morrigan standing and I found myself wincing. She easily pushed past the two winged men, and sat on my other side.

“You said….the body was the worst.” She began. Feyre shot her a sharp look, but she acted as if she hadn’t seen it. “Wanna talk about it?”

“I told Elain.” I admitted. I didn’t like the attention. Didn't want all of the extraordinary people watching me. Azriel looked as if he were cataloging my every movement, I wanted to shy away from him. 

“My sister.” Feyre smiled slightly.

“She’s very kind.” I said finding a hint of my own smile. Feyre nodded. “So are you.” I told her honestly. She blinked as if the statement had shocked her. “You too.” I said glancing to Morrigan. The smile she gave was radiant.

“What does that make me?” Cassian had taken to leaning against the wall just behind Azriel. 

“Cocky.” I shot back thinking of his little biting comment. Cassian was suddenly roaring with laughter. 

“If you don’t feel comfortable telling us,” Morrigan began but I shook my head.

“It’s okay. What do you want to know?” I owed them at least this much for taking me in. Saving me from that water, and the mad-looking High Lord with the claws.

There was a moment of silence in the room. “What do you mean when you say you’re a parody of yourself?” Morrigan asked softly.

“I didn’t look like this before…” I sighed looking at my too long fingers. “My proportions are all wrong. My arms are too long. So are my fingers.” I fluttered them for effect.

“I thought the same thing when I was Made.” That was Feyre. I couldn’t help the slight astonishment on my face. The smile on her face suddenly made sense. 

“Did it change everything too?” 

Her smile flickered slightly. “Everything?”

I nodded. “My eye color, the rune things, my hair color and texture, even my voice.” I had been trying to ignore that last one. “Not to mention the shape I’m in now. I mean I wasn’t super out of shape but I didn’t look like this.” I muttered.

“That’s...different.” Morrigan muttered. 

“Even your eye color changed?” Rhysand asked. I nodded.

“They used to be...kinda like theirs.” I motioned toward Cassian. “But kinda golden-ish? Like amber.” 

“And you were human.” Cassian said softly.

“Okay,” I breathed threading my fingers together, “that’s like the fifth time someone has mentioned something along those lines.” I took a breath trying to steady myself. It was apparent that their answer to my question was going to rock the very foundations of my understanding of this world. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. “You’re not human are you?” 

Silence reigned in the room. It was sharp-tongued Amren who answered.

“No.” 

It’s okay, I told myself taking another steadying breath. The world wasn’t falling out from underneath me. It was very hard not to flinch away from the group of not-humans. Of course they weren’t humans, what humans had wings? 

“Okay.” I breathed looking down at my feet. “What are you?” 

“Morrigan, Amren, Feyre, and myself are High Fae.” Rhysand spoke. Something about him put me on edge. Like I could sense a sky’s worth of  _ something _ inside of him. While the shadows of the room seemed to flock to Azriel, it seemed like Rhysand simply oozed darkness. Wore it like a grand cloak. 

“Cassian and myself are Illyrean.” Azriel’s voice was all darkness and cold. I wondered what exactly it meant that he was supposed to be my mate. That he claimed me. It certainly wasn’t a choice he wanted to make. I jerked my gaze back to Morrigan realizing that I was staring at the shadow-wreathed man. 

“Right.” I mumbled. Morrigan smiled warmly at me. It cushioned the strangeness if at least a little.

“Are you going to cower on the floor all day, or are you going to be civilized and join us at the table?” Amren asked tapping her fingers on the table for emphasis. 

“Okay.” I slowly pushed myself up, and even then it felt a bit too fast. The others seemed to move back to their places at the table. Rhysand threaded his fingers through Feyre’s and I found myself smiling at the action. Rhysand caught the smile and something in his eyes softened. Ducking my head I pulled out a chair and sat in it frowning slightly at the design. It was...off. 

It wasn’t until I saw Cassian sit in front of me with a groan that I realized the chairs were built so that they could accommodate wings. 

“Anyone else want to drink?” Morrigan asked the table at large. Cassian almost immediately signaled that he was game. Rhysand sighed and pressed his hands into his eyes, some horrible tension in his shoulders. They all had that tension. 

The blood soaked field flashed through my mind. Whatever had been happening before I showed up had to have been bad. I had never been in a war, but I was sure that was what I saw. A battleground. How many casualties were there? They had to have won, otherwise I doubted we would be here. 

“I can leave.” My voice was tiny in the room, but they all looked to me. Morrigan was frowning at the statement. Rhysand looked distant as did Azriel. Feyre seemed to be contemplating me. Cassian frowned along with Morrigan. “From what I saw you all must have fought some sort of war. At the very least a great battle. You all look so tired. Weighed down. I don’t want to add to that.” 

“Where would you go?” Amren asked sounding almost bored. “Do you even know where you are? What of our customs? How do you expect to survive? Do you even know what you are, girl?”

“I can learn all of that as I go.” I said with a bravado I didn’t feel. “I was invited to the other court, I could just go there. Get out of your hair.” 

“No.” Azriel’s voice was so cold I shivered. I risked a glance at him, but his eyes stopped me dead. There was a strange rage there. A muscle feathered in his jaw as he took me in. Shadows twined their way up his neck moving like they were living things. Some part of me wondered if that response was voluntary. 

“It’s not a big deal.” I told him. His face had lapsed back into an unreadable mask, but he kept his eyes on me. 

“Are we not good enough company?” Cassian drawled. 

“You’re welcome here.” Feyre said with enough conviction that I wanted to believe her. 

“Here.” Morrigan waved a hand and I felt myself lock up as a bottle of wine simply appeared on the table along with glasses for everyone. She quickly began pouring Cassian and herself a glass. Slowly I reached out letting my fingertips touch the glass. It was real, and slightly cold to the touch. Morrigan was looking at me the bottle in her hand. 

I cleared my throat trying not to freak out at what had to be a regular instance in their world. “I’m more of a rose wine girl myself.” She lifted her brows slightly. “I don’t like bitter really.” I admitted quietly. 

“Hear that Amren? I guess that ruins your chances with her.” Cassian chuckled. Amren hissed at his comment. He simply sent her a winning smile and took a sip of his drink. 

It was Rhysand who waved a hand this time, and a new bottle appeared in front of me. I stared at it for a long moment. After the day I had, no one would blame me if I wanted a drink. Morrigan was already pouring a glass for Azriel, who when he looked at her his eyes softened just enough that I felt it like a blow. Something in me recoiled at the look in his eyes. I turned sharply away wondering just why that bothered me at all. I didn’t even know the man.

“Nova.” I glanced up at my name and met purple star-flecked eyes. “Stay for a while. See how you like our court. You’re more than welcome to stay here in the House of Wind for however long it takes. Perhaps you can visit Velaris sometime.” 

“Right.” I said softly. He smiled then glanced to Feyre who had eyes only for him. I turned away and listened as they all slowly began to forget I was there. They unwound, Morrigan teasing Cassian about the last time they went out for drinks. I kept quiet, mostly watching them all. Rhysand and Feyre eventually ducked out of the room bidding everyone a good night. On their fourth glass of wine, Morrigan mentioned some place called Rita’s. Amren immediately got up moving to leave with a small wave thrown over her shoulder. 

“It’ll be good for us.” Morrigan told the two men looking excited at the prospect. Cassian smiled and Morrigan echoed that smile. I watched them cave to the gentle charm she exuded. She bounced to her feet, the other two following suit, when her eyes met mine. “Come on.” It took me a moment to realize that she was talking to me.

“What’s Rita’s?” I asked going ahead and standing with them.

“A place to dance and drink.” Cassian answered for her. I was immediately shaking my head.

“I don’t dance.” 

Morrigan’s eyes slid over me, taking me in. “You can always do what Azriel does.” She nudged him with an arm. I glanced at him and he met my eyes a wry sort of humor there.

“I drink.” He answered my unspoken question. Something about the flash of humor in his eyes made me feel just a bit breathless. 

“I’ll take a rain check.” I said with an apologetic smile. I reached out and grabbed my still empty glass and the bottle Rhysand had made appear for me. Confusion flitted through all of their faces. I let off a small chirp of laughter realizing that they must have different idioms here. “It means not this time.” I explained. 

“Huh. Okay, but next time.” Morrigan warned with a smile. I found myself smiling back, more easily than I had smiled all day. It felt real. Her smile grew a fraction when she saw it. “We’ll be back sometime later. If you need anything let us know.”

The three filed out of the room, Azriel casting one last glance at me before he disappeared down the hallway. I stood for a good little while in the little room just listening to the quiet. Eventually I made my way out and tried to find my way back to the room they had given me. It was only after an hour of wandering that I realized I was hopelessly lost within the building. By that point I had started drinking straight from the bottle. The drink was wonderfully sweet, and hardly tasted of alcohol at all, but I could feel it buzzing in my system. 

Panic tried to set in, but I pushed it away and instead sat myself down in a random hall feeling awfully heavy. I let myself simply exist, not worrying about the wrong body or the strange surroundings. The bottle was empty far too soon. I leaned back against the wall and told myself that I would get back up and try to find my way again in a few minutes.

“-lost her way?” Groggily I came back to consciousness recognizing the soft female voice. 

“No one really showed her around huh?” That was Cassian. I blinked my eyes open to see the three of them, smelling heavily of booze, looking down at me.

“Oh! Hi there.” Morrigan smiled freely at me. 

“Heya.” I answered glancing between the three of them. “I...um….couldn’t find my room.” 

“Doesn’t look to comfortable down there.” Cassian offered a hand which I gladly took. The room only spun a little. 

“I can take you there.” It was Azriel this time. His face was still unreadable, but I nodded trusting him to help me. 

“Night then!” Morrigan gave a jaunty wave before heading off to what I guessed was bed. 

“You nearly made it there.” Cassian told me with an amused chuckle before heading off after Morrigan. 

“This way.” Azriel offered his arm to me, and I blinked at the gesture. I took his arm, and blushed slightly at the old world charm. 

“Did you have fun?” I wasn’t sure why I wanted to talk to him, but filling the silence felt nice. 

“Yes.” Quiet and to the point. 

“Do you all go to Rita’s often?” 

“Morrigan would drag us there every night if she could get away with it.” Azriel said with slight amusement. 

“She seems fun.” Azriel nodded in response to my observation.

For a minute there was only the sound of our footsteps. He easily led me through the winding halls seeming to comfortable in the silence between the two of us. He paused before a familiar-ish door and I found myself smiling. Cassian was right, I had almost made it. 

“Thank you.” I took a step toward my door giving a small polite smile to him. The way he was watching me almost felt like there was an answer written on my face. If he looked at me long and hard enough he would suddenly understand what was going on. Like distant rolling thunder I felt a maelstrom of loneliness, confusion, and curiosity. All of it singing down that moonstone bridge. 

“Goodnight.” He bowed the smallest bit then turned, those huge wings causing a slight breeze as he headed back the way he came. I waited until he was fully out of sight before slipping into my room. The bed was massive and so very soft. I passed back out before I could think too much about anything at all. 


	8. Distance

I awoke to the sound of a small argument.

“Just let her sleep.” That sounded like Morrigan, a very fed up Morrigan. 

“I don’t know, I think I’m siding with Azriel on this one.” Cassian. “Sleeping the whole day away isn’t what’s best for her.”

“She’s been through a lot, let the female sleep.” 

I sat up in bed feeling the world settle around me slowly. Another set of clothing had been set out, sitting on the dresser. I tried not to think about the fact that someone had to have come into my room to set my things out. I moved as quietly as I could quickly moving over to slip on the simple white shirt and a pair of soft brown pants. 

“What if she slips into despair like Elain?”

“Elain was mourning her betrothed.” Morrigan shot back. I glanced at myself in the mirror and saw that with a quick finger combing my hair was back to being pretty and softly curling around my face. I looked like a stranger. 

“Do we know that she didn’t leave behind someone in her world?” Cassian asked a bit quieter. There was a moment of thick silence.

Rage and jealousy flickered faintly. 

“She didn’t mention it.” Morrigan sounded unsure. “We don’t really know much about her.”

“She’s educated.” Azriel sounded calm. Just listing off a fact. Still in the distance that jealousy and rage simmered. I tried to understand why I would be feeling upset, but the feeling didn’t feel like me. I shook my head and quietly moved towards the door.

“Not trained in combat.” Cassian added with a chuckle. “Should have seen that punch…”

“Why am I not surprised she already tried to punch you?” 

“I should have with the comments he made.” I said pulling open the door. Cassian and Morrigan jerked slightly looking vaguely guilty. Azriel simply took me in his eyes roaming over me in a slow sweep. 

“What comments?” Cassian recovered first an easy grin coming to his face. 

“Bite me.” I deadpanned raising an eyebrow. He chuckled at the comment his grin turning slightly predatory once more.

“You asking?” 

Rage. I blinked trying to push away the anger. I had no reason to be angry with Cassian, even I knew that he was just messing with me. “You wish.” I shot back. Morrigan smiled at the banter her eyes sparkling with some emotion I couldn’t quite place.

“Well...now that you’re up...would you like to spend the day with me?” 

“Ah,” I watched her for a moment. Saw the way the two men glanced between us. How excited she seemed. How worried. For the most part it seemed that she wore how she felt on her sleeve. It was refreshing how honest she seemed. “I would love to.” 

All three smiled at my response. 

“Rhys mentioned that seeing Velaris might be good for you.” Morrigan said stepping out of the way so that I could close the door behind me. 

“Velaris…” I let the name settle on my tongue. “Is that the city below?” 

“The same one you were looking at last night.” Cassian answered taking a few steps down the hallway. I moved with their little group trying my best to seem excited if only for the joy that it seemed to bring Morrigan. 

“It was breathtaking.” I said and meant it. Shimmering all the way to the distant seashore it had looked wonderful. And that music I had heard broken in the wind... 

“Better up close.” Morrigan mentioned. “Rita’s is down there too.” 

I had a sneaking suspicion that I would be dragged to the club soon, if only because Morrigan with her pretty smile and gentle speech would convince me eventually. Morrigan took a different turn than I was expecting and I nearly stumbled with the sudden change in direction. If they noticed, no one commented on it and soon enough we entered a large dining room where an assortment of food was spread out. It smelled amazing, but my stomach revolted slightly at the thought of eating. 

Morrigan took a seat and patted the seat nearest her eyes sparkling. I took the offered chair noticing that Cassian and Azriel took their places across from us. They all immediately began to grab food, Cassian and Azriel piling food on their plates. 

“So,” Morrigan said after taking a small bite out of a pastry, “tell me about you.” I immediately hated the silence that followed and wanted nothing more than to curl into myself to escape it. 

“I’m not really all that interesting.” 

“That’s for us to decide, not you.” Morrigan seemed to take initiative and placed a pastry on my plate. I sighed and looked to her, ignoring the food.

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything.” She smiled. “But, for now ...what did you do? What were you good at?”

I smiled at her interest and bit my lip in thought. It took me a moment to gather my thoughts together. “I guess to sum it all up, I’m good with information.” Azriel and Cassian watched me, but I found it easier to speak directly to Morrigan. “I had a degree in Journalism, which is the finding and reporting of information. Hopefully without bias. I worked as a librarian, though. I couldn’t find a place that was hiring near me and I just ...needed the money. It was a nice job.” 

“Journalism.” Morrigan echoed eyes meeting mine. I nodded a confirmation. “What’s your favorite color?” 

“Silver.” 

“That’s an interesting one.” Cassian commented. I smiled at him and he smiled back, the rough plains of his face softened if only for a moment. I realized that I liked him. I felt comfortable around him. Morrigan too. 

“Favorite hobby?” Morrigan wasn’t giving me time to think in-between questions.

“Reading.” I shot back. “Or Music. I’ve always loved music.” 

“How old are you?” Morrigan gave a slow smile that struck me as very beautiful. There was something about her that simply struck me as pure. 

“I’m 24.” 

“Really?” Morrigan leaned forward looking me over. “You’re older than Feyre.” 

“She doesn’t look it.” Cassian leaning forward. “Looks younger if I had to guess.” I met those hazel eyes, seeing bits of green like leaves hidden amongst bark, and stared him down. He really did seem hewn from raw elements. That predatory edge entered his eyes again, as if anyone presenting him with a challenge was exciting. I could hear a slight increase in heartbeat, though it wasn’t coming from him. I could see so much now. The light seemed to hold new colors. I could smell the three of them as if they all wore some sort of personalized perfume. An inhale had the soft and sweet taste of the food blanketing my tongue, though I hadn’t taken a bite. I could hear distant footsteps, someone moving through this palace carved into a mountain. Hear the whisper of the wind...and beneath that I could feel that strange and warped part of myself that was not myself. 

It was, all at once, overwhelming. Almost the moment it hit Cassian’s expression changed and he was suddenly reaching across the table catching my shaking hand in his own. 

“Breathe.” He ordered softly. It took me a moment to realize I had stopped breathing to try and block the smells out. 

“I can hear your heartbeat.” I told him sounding distracted. Maybe I was. I could hear every breath they took. Hear the blood rushing through my veins. Everything felt sharp, like razors against my senses. He nodded.

“Like, really hear your heartbeat.” I looked over that perfect face and missed home so horribly that I thought I was going to throw up. Everything familiar suddenly felt very far away. I shook my head trying to push down everything. “I’m fine,” I muttered letting go of his hand and leaning away, “it just startled me. Next question?” I forced a bright smile at Morrigan. She watched me for a long moment.

“Are you sure you can handle going into a busy city?” She asked shrewdly.

“No.” I told her honestly. I didn’t want to look at the men anymore. Especially didn’t want to see the strangely intense way that Azriel liked to stare at me. The conflict. 

“We can stay here.” Morrigan said a little furrow showing up between her eyebrows. I shook my head pushing away from the table slightly.

“You guys go. I can come some other time.” Running away again. I always ran from things. Maybe not physically, but I had always had this horrible habit. Distancing myself. “I can look around here!” I forced myself to sound bright. Cheered up even. Morrigan gave a small smile back.

“If you’re sure.” 

“I am, have a nice day.” I didn’t waste time moving away from the table. It wasn’t until I had hid back in my room that I let the shame of running hit me. I could already see that I didn’t belong here. 

There was a small bit of anger amongst the shame. I wished they wouldn’t try so hard. Wished I was a stronger person so that I wouldn’t run away from them despite how different I seemed compared to them. 

I didn’t leave my room again that day. The next day I was up and gone, finding that solitary balcony before the sun rose. I explored. Finding side rooms that seemed seldom used. Stairs that led both up and down. I chose down. The day after that I found a library spiraling down into a black pit. One of the fae looking twisted and broken moved toward me. It frightened me. Enough so, that I ran. 

It wasn’t until my fourth day being in the mountain palace that I realized I had messed up. My body felt horribly sluggish. Moving felt like wading through honey. Terrible cramps wracked my stomach. 

“Oh.” I muttered a lethargic surprise washing over me. “I need to eat.” 

The clothing that had been set out for me were all white, showing the edges of those runes. I tried not to look at myself too much. It took me a few hours before I found a kitchen. I had actually had to use my sense of smell following the faint scent of baking bread once I caught wind of it. It felt animalistic, tracking something purely by its scent. Nausea, which had been a constant friend since I came to this place, reared its head a bit when I found the kitchen. The fae didn’t look human in the slightest. Terror rose and then abated as a strange crystal looking construct paused to look to me.

“Can I help you?” Their voice was sharp, sounding like glass hitting pavement, and yet it was beautiful. Terribly beautiful. I found myself biting my lip. 

“Umm, do you have any bread you could spare?”

“Of course,” the creature quickly moved calling out its position in the kitchen as it moved to grab what looked like a fresher loaf. It was still warm as it was pressed into my hands. There was a kindness in their eyes that caught me off guard. “Is that all you wanted? We have plenty of dishes. I’ve got a stew that might be a bit more filling.”

“If...if it’s not too much trouble then yeah. That sounds nice.”

“Right then,” the creature plucked the bread from my hands and set it on a nearby tray. The creature moved expertly around the busy kitchen. They spoke as they worked. “You must be the newest addition here. The one the High Lord brought himself.” The claws, shimmering in the light, were so very skilled. Easily getting me a huge bowl and pouring stew into it. Setting that next to the bread. 

“That’s me I guess.” I muttered a bit cautious. 

“Nice to meet ya.” The more I looked at them, the more they looked almost lupine in the face. Like a mix of a crystal, bird, and wolf. “I’m Talison.” They inclined their head.

“I’m Nova.”

“Nova, have you been looking for the kitchen this whole time?” They asked adding another bowl to the tray. They quickly grabbed an apple and an orange, cutting them both with expert movements before putting them into the extra bowl.

“No.”

“So you’ve been starving yourself intentionally?” That was so straightforward that I took a step back.

“I haven’t been hungry.”

“I haven’t seen you at any dinner that those three have been holding. You having trouble with the Inner Circle?” Talison asked bluntly.

“No, they’re wonderful people.” I said a bit too defensively. I crossed my arms slightly. The smells were starting to get to me. Pushing past that edge of nausea until I realized I wasn’t just hungry. I was ravenous. I wondered how much trouble I would get in if I tried to maul a crystal cook to get to the food they were putting on that tray. 

“More of a solitary creature then?” 

I bit my lip and glanced down trying my best not to frown at the floor. “Not exactly.” I admitted. Actually it was nice to talk to someone, even if that someone was a crystal wolf bird who pried a bit too much. 

There was a soft sigh and then a tray was being pressed gently into my hands. “Even if you’re trying to avoid people ...please at least visit here once a day. I’ll instruct my staff to feed you any time you show up here.” Talison looked me over once, a frown making its way onto their face, and then they turned back to the kitchen.


	9. Spar Buddies

I scurried away and found my way eventually to the large room where Morrigan had taken me to eat the first time. It was empty. The clatter of my tray sounded lonely. 

I hadn’t been avoiding anyone, I thought breaking a piece of bread off of the loaf and dipping it into the stew. Had I? I took a bite and lost my train of thought until the bowl was empty and the loaf was half gone. Once my desperation faded I took a bit more time, taking a small sweet bite of apple. I couldn’t tell if it was starvation, or if the food here really was the best thing I had tasted in my life. 

The accusations of the chef slowly wormed their way back into my thoughts. I hadn’t  _ intentionally  _ avoided the others. And yet every time I had seen people or heard them I had moved away. Deeper into rooms I knew were empty. I had heard Morrigan a few times in my treks, and every time I moved away. 

Guilt invaded and I found myself hunching over the remains of my meal. It wasn’t that I didn’t like these people, they had been more than nice to me. It was that I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong in this body. I had a few times already crushed things with a show of strength that frightened me. Nightmares had begun to plague me, of that nothingness. Of the soft voices that ever so often sounded in my head. They were louder in dreams. 

I closed my eyes and wished, for a desperate moment, that the nothingness had taken me. 

“Oh!” A voice, not my own. I startled pretty badly, jerking to my feet and sending the large chair clattering to the floor. Morrigan watched me warily her hands held up in a gesture of peace. 

“Hi,” I said forcing myself to relax my posture. 

“There you are.” Morrigan looked at me as if I were some sort of flighty animal, moving slowly toward me. “Mind if I join you?” Now that my hunger had been sated my senses were slowly beginning to strengthen. I could smell her again, but compared to the food it wasn’t too overwhelming. I nodded and she smiled moving to sit next to me. 

There was the steady beat of her heart, off-kilter with the sound of my own. The soft rushing that was our blood. She bit her lip looking me over thoughtfully.

“I’m sorry if I pushed too hard.” She sighed looking to the tabletop. Her fingers elegantly followed the swirl of a knot in the woodwork. “I should have realized all of this was new to you. It must be so different…” She let the sentence trail off and I found some deep seated desire to respond rise up within me. 

“Nothing feels the same.” I told her miserable. “Everything’s too loud. Too big.”

“Too big?” She echoed turning her body to face me a bit more. 

“I tracked down the kitchens from smell alone.” It felt dirty. Like it was somehow awful that I could use my senses that well. Like I was a monster slowly succumbing to my baser instincts. 

“Yes, we fae have powerful senses compared to humans.” Morrigan’s brown eyes met my own. “It can be overwhelming.” 

Her sentences felt strange. Less like conversation and more like she was slowly trying to work apart the defenses I had unknowingly put around myself. I found myself nodding and could nearly hear the sharp thud as the wall I had been building lost another piece. 

“Feyre said that she dealt with the same thing. As did Elain and Nesta. Your strength is different too.” 

“I’ve crushed a few things.” I admitted sheepishly. She nodded as if it were perfectly normal to splinter wood and bend metal without meaning to. Maybe for these beautiful creatures it was normal. Morrigan’s dark eyes seemed to be taking me in, holding that glint of  _ other _ . 

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was quiet in the empty room. “We-” She seemed to catch herself. “I pushed too hard too fast. I just thought it would do you good to get out before you got lost in your own head.” She sighed looking to the table. “I didn’t think about how overstimulated you were.”

“No, it’s fine!” I hated this. She looked so sad and I couldn't bear the thought of it being my fault. “I’m feeling a little better now.” The lie fell flat and Morrigan quirked an eyebrow at me. 

“Velaris might be a bit too much for you right now, but maybe you’d like to do something else?” She offered reaching over and popping a slice of orange into her mouth. Almost without thought the refusal of her offer sprang to my lips. It stopped there, however, held by the accusations of Talison. It was obvious that Morrigan was trying to help me. 

“I don’t know.” I muttered instead of outright refusing. 

“Have you been to the sparring yard?” Morrigan was nonchalantly eating another fruit piece. I shook my head. She smiled and pushed herself up. “Come on.” 

Helpless I stood up and moved to follow her, only to stare at my dirty dishes simply sitting in the empty room.

“What about-?” I motioned at the table. Morrigan waved a hand and the plates were gone. I stiffened at the casual display of magic. They had seemed so surprised I didn’t believe in magic. I could almost taste the air of that little tent. 

“Hey,” Morrigan was suddenly there gently taking my elbow and pulling to get me to move. “It’s going to be okay. You’re not alone.” 

I didn’t speak as she dragged me up and up staircases, some of which I had explored. There was something oddly comforting about Morrigan guiding me. It wasn’t too long before we stepped onto an open air platform. A breeze almost immediately brushed over me, curling around my face and arms. Softly licking up the back of my neck. All of it smelling faintly of rain and the sea. I had been inside so long I didn’t realize that it was already dusk. The air held a soft chill and it took me a moment to realize that it had to be fall here. A figure was standing, bare chested, in the fading light their wings extended slightly. 

Massive. Cassian is massive. The thought danced through my head as he turned towards the two of us, looking mildly surprised. The look quickly transformed into a smirk.

“There she is,” he drawled walking over to us. I couldn’t help but look at his wingspan. The strangeness of the situation hit me hard and I found myself retreating a step. Morrigan watched me warily. “I was wondering where you went.” 

“Hello Cassian.” I said trying not to be intimidated. He was all sculpted muscles and perfect skin. The effect was rather disorienting up close.

“Nova, I was meaning to talk to you.” 

“What did you need?” I asked. He shook his head that cocky smile making its way back onto his face. 

“No, it’s what  _ you _ need.” He held out his hand and following an unspoken command I placed one of mine there. He turned my hand this way and that running a thumb over my palm. “You need training.” He explained moving to pick up my other hand. 

“I don’t fight.” I muttered trying not to be distracted by the feel of his thumb brushing over the pads of my fingers, then lower to my palm. Looking for calluses, I realized belatedly. 

“You could.” He said meeting my eyes with his hazel ones. Something about the color of them was comforting. “You need this. I offered to teach Feyre, Nesta, and now I’m offering you.” He said dropping my hand finally. 

“I don’t-”

“You need to feel like you’ve gained back control of your body. You need to trust it again.” He said quickly cutting me off. “Training can do that for you.”

“He’s a good teacher.” Morrigan offered.

“I don’t know…” I had just felt comfortable half being near Morrigan again, and now I was supposed to fight someone? In the far reaches of my mind I could hear laughter. “I mean…” It was so distracting. The more I focused on it the more it solidified as a real sound in my mind. I didn’t trust the body. It was so unpredictable always getting overwhelmed by smells and sensations. Too strong for its own good. Cassian had always felt comfortable to me. Even now, bare chested and too close, I didn’t really feel like running.

“How did you know that was an issue?” I asked finally. At that he smiled the smallest bit.

“Feyre and Elain were talking about you. Mentioned it might be an issue and why you’ve been avoiding everyone.” 

“I haven’t been…” I began but the look both Morrigan and Cassian gave me was enough to steer my sentence a different way, “myself lately.” I finished a bit lamely. 

“Why don’t you just try. See how you feel after?” Morrigan said gently. All at once I had a feeling Morrigan had been looking for me intentionally, and that Cassian had been waiting. I was a bunny caught in a trap set by wolves. 

“Okay.” 

Cassian grinned and I knew that they had got me. I wasn’t sure how, but he simply waved me over. I followed a bit hesitant but Morrigan simply walked past to make herself comfortable watching Cassian and me with a soft smile. 

Cassian’s wings flared slightly as I approached and I wondered just how much he used his wings as balance. Would it help or hinder?

“Make a fist.” He instructed, his voice sounding a bit different than I was used to. I made a fist and he took it in his hands looking it over. “Good, at least you don’t tuck your thumb automatically.” He mumbled. He adjusted my grip a bit then nodded to himself. 

He had some sort of pads that I had only seen in movies like Rocky. He put them on his hands then held them up, looking me in the eyes. “Hit me.”

Obediently I swung my newly formed fist at him and bapped into the pad. His eyes hardened a bit. “Again.” I swung again. “Harder.” He muttered shifting slightly. I bit my lip and swung again. Cassian shook his head. “You’ve got to commit to it, Nova.” 

I swung again, a bit harder. But from the look in Cassian’s eyes he knew I was holding back.

“Hit me as hard as you can, you won’t hurt me.” Cassian slammed the pads together and I felt my stomach twist slightly at how loud it sounded. How powerful. I took a deep breath in and then hit him a bit harder, satisfied with the sharp pop it made. “Stop holding back.” Another hit. Cassian frowned heavily at me. “You’re afraid of yourself.” He stated quietly. 

“I’m hitting you.” I answered back.

“Really? It felt more like you were stroking me.” Cassian said a new gleam to his eyes. I didn’t like it. “There’s somewhere a bit lower that needs some petting, if that’s what you’re inclined to do.” 

“Cassian.” That was Morrigan. “Don’t push too hard.” She warned.

“If this is the effort you put into things, no wonder you’ve been avoiding us.” Cassian said casually his posture going lax. “Hit me.” He said when I stopped. I grit my teeth and hit the pad again. It came with a slight soreness. “Not good enough.” He nearly spat at me.

Not good enough. It was a phrase I had heard a lot in my life. My childhood especially. Over and over again, that I wasn’t doing enough. Wasn’t trying hard enough even as I worked myself to the bone. Gave everything and more only to be met with disdain. To be hit. 

I could nearly feel the force of it, slamming me down. Knocking the breath out of me. Abuse was what other kids had to deal with. The kids who were killed. I had always been told I was lucky. I was ungrateful. Unworthy. Not good enough.

Everything sharpened. I could smell Cassian’s sun-warmed skin. His scent thick around me. Could hear his heartbeat, his blood, and every breath that rasped from his mouth. Anger, deeper than I usually let myself feel, roared through me. Not good enough. 

I didn’t think. My body moved quicker than I would have thought possible. All that trapped tension ripping through me. It almost felt good not holding back. Cassian moved bringing the pad up to intercept my strike. He had been baiting me, waiting for something to piss me off. I could feel it, my anger blazing. When my hit connected I felt the jolt all the way up my arm. It hurt, but some part of me didn’t care. 

I was more than enough. A mantra I had taught myself immediately rang through my head. Cassian took a step back holding his hands up in defeat. My anger was like a wildfire, all consuming. All I wanted was to wipe the grin that had started to form on Cassian’s face. I burned with it. Felt that fire reach past me and travel down a moonstone bridge. 

“Easy.” Cassian’s voice caught my attention again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit that big of a nerve.” 

I meant to tell him to go fuck himself, instead a low growl ripped it’s way out of my throat. Morrigan had moved toward us, but Cassian waved her off. An animal, it’s what I felt like. Cassian simply stared at me, waiting. I took a deep breath trying to calm down. He didn’t mean it like that. I knew he didn’t know anything about my parents. Hell, he probably didn’t know I could play piano or sing. That I loved books. He didn’t know me, and that was my fault. He didn’t know.

I turned away from him, stalking toward the edge of the roof needing to expend my energy in a way that wasn’t attacking Cassian. I liked him, I reminded myself. I leaned against the railing and looked down, the sheer drop making my head spin a little. It was a good way to get rid of that pesky anger.

“I’m sorry.” I could hear his cautious approach. Smell him. A strange musk that reminded me of nights spent in cold forests and a hint of something fresh and light. Like the sky had made a claim on him as much as the earth had. 

“It’s fine.” The drop was really steep. I could see some of the other balconies lower down. 

“We can stop now.” 

Did I really want to stop? I thought about it for a second. Despite the fact he hit a nerve he wasn’t really hurting me. And it did feel good to actually use my body, strange as it was. I turned away from the drop and looked into Cassian’s eyes.

“No.” I rolled my shoulders, mildly surprised they didn’t pop, and looked back up into hazel eyes. “If I’m going to do this it won’t be halfway.” 

I tried not to notice the strange spark in his eyes. The way his mouth quirked up or the way Morrigan in the background grinned. He nodded once and led me back to the sparring ring.


	10. Twilit Training

Strangely, when darkness fell, it didn’t really hinder our progress all that much. Cassian was nearly constantly correcting me about this or that. The first time he put his hands on my hips to correct my stance I nearly jumped away from him. By this time I hardly noticed as he slid his foot between mine to tap my foot into a better position.

“Sorry.” I muttered trying to focus on all of my body at once. 

“You’re doing great.” He said with a small smile. “You might be a natural.” I laughed at him, but he just watched me with a steady gaze. “Again.” I punched at him and felt proud when he smiled widely. “Good. I think that should be good for now.” 

My body actually was sore, muscles aching for the first time since I woke up. It was nice. The aching pain grounding me in the moment. Cassian rolled his shoulders, his wings moving in a slightly mesmerizing way. 

“Do you know what they say about wingspan?” Cassian said, catching my eye. I flushed at being caught staring. Something akin to rage fluttered at the back of my mind. Confused, I shook my head. 

“No, what do they say?” I played along trying to wipe the blush away. Cassian smirked and stored the training equipment. He walked over, a slow saunter that brought attention to the slight movements of his wings. 

“That the span of an Illyrian’s wings can be a good measure of ...other things.” Cassian said leaning a bit closer. I stared impassively at him hoping that I wouldn’t blush again. 

“Is that so?” Two could play this kind of game. I looked up at him through my lashes not quite containing my smile. I had never been the best at flirting, but I was not going to let him win. The rage increased and I pushed it down and away from me. There was no reason for me to be so angry. Instead I tried to school my features into something attractive. Cassian for his part had lost the slight predatory edge that he had been putting on. His eyes roamed over my face just a bit more earnestly for a moment. “Aren’t Azriel’s bigger?” I asked after a moment.

To be honest I had no idea who had a bigger wingspan between the two. I hadn’t spent much time with either, though I seemed to get along with Cassian better. Azriel was too distant. He always looked torn when he looked at me. Cassian just looked like an ass. Surprise flitted across Cassian’s face, and an echo of that surprise dimmed the rage that had been burning in the back of my mind.

Morrigan burst into laughter falling slightly into Cassian. I couldn’t help the grin that sprang to my face. Cassian winced pressing his hand to his heart.

“That bruises.” He said laughter gleaming in his eyes. 

“Your ego could do with a bit more bruising.” Morrigan said reaching out to inspect one of my hands. She winced in sympathy. They were purple. Turns out you’re supposed to aim with the first two knuckles, too bad it took me an hour before Cassian realized.

“So, what do you think?” Cassian asked looking me over. 

“I like it.” I said truthfully. Cassian and Morrigan both smiled. “Thank you, by the way.” I added to the both of them. 

“For what?” Morrigan asked.

I glanced at my hands, the soft and splotchy shade of purple that covered my knuckles. “Doing this.” I fluttered my hands, feeling the deep seated soreness that was only increasing. “Worrying about me. Most people wouldn’t do that for a stranger.” 

“You don’t have to be a stranger, you know?” Morrigan said taking a small step toward me. Love fluttered in the depths of my mind. I blinked and found myself smiling at her. She was beautiful and so kind. A deep affection for the both of them surged and I found myself softening a bit. The feelings were powerful, and for once I let them wash over me.

“I’m sorry.” I was suddenly ashamed of myself for running from these people. I had known from the beginning they were good and yet I had run from them.

Morrigan looked concerned. “What for?”

“I ran from you.” I admitted softly. The world seemed to hold its breath, even the wind died down. “I’m scared of all of this. You’re all so different. You have wings.” I told Cassian as if he didn’t already know. “I’m not like you. I don’t fit with you at all.” 

“You seem to be fitting in just fine now.” Morrigan said looking me over. 

“You’re all so close,” I said motioning between the two, “You don’t seem to need an extra person in your lives.”

“That’s a hell of an assumption.” Cassian said looking me over. “Feyre was an outsider once, too. Does she not fit in?” He asked quietly. I couldn’t think of her as not being part of this tight knit group. Not being hand in hand with Rhysand. 

“She fits.” I answered quietly. 

“If we had room for her, why don’t we have room for you?” He asked. 

“I’m not like you-”

“You are like us.” This voice was beautiful and unexpected. Azriel melted out of the shadows walking over to us with a grace that reminded me of large cats on the prowl. Both Cassian and Morrigan greeted him smiles on their faces. “You were Made, same as Feyre or Elain.”

“Hello Azriel.” I greeted him feeling suddenly still. 

“Hello.” 

“You three just don’t understand.”

“Understand what?” Cassian asked walking over physically turning me to look at him. “Feeling like an outsider? I’m a low-born Illyrian bastard. You think I haven’t felt alone?”

“I never said that.” I said frowning and touching the hands that were still warm on my shoulders. Automatically trying to comfort him. “And...you shouldn’t have felt alone because of that.” 

Cassian blinked. “Why is that?”

“Because, that shouldn’t matter. Who you are is what matters.” I mumbled. Azriel, in the corner of my vision, smiled the smallest bit. 

“That doesn’t apply to you?” Cassian’s eyes were drilling into my own. 

“You don’t know who I am.”

“I’m getting a pretty good idea.” There was a long moment where Cassian and I simply stared at each other. A battle of wills. His hands felt strangely heavy, like he was keeping me grounded in a world out of control. If I joined them, it felt too much like giving up. Losing my home...my world....it was devastating. 

Yet the sense of friendship and love that threaded through this group was so much more than I ever had back home. I was touched that they were even offering to try and take me in. Conflicted I bit my lip meeting Cassian’s eyes dead on. 

“I understand.” Azriel’s voice broke the silent show-down. Both Cassian and I looked to him. He looked like a fallen angel. “Perhaps, while you’re here, you should make yourself as comfortable as possible.” There was a sort of pain that flared when he spoke of the thought of me going back home, followed by that thunderous conflict. 

“You must feel so alone.” Morrigan piped up taking a step toward me. All at once I felt like crying. Azriel took a step toward me his face unreadable. I shook my head trying to step away from them. These complicated three. Cassian’s hands fell away.

“Why?” I shouldn’t be so aware of Azriel. Every movement he made some deep part of me watched. That strange moonstone expanse in my mind flared. Ripped between the mental and physical worlds it felt like I was in two places at once. I softly touched that bridge and let myself follow it for a moment, reaching out toward whatever it was on the other side. Azriel’s eyes dilated. Morrigan was staring between the two of us her expression soft and open. I could smell him, that deep smell of leather that was constantly on his skin, but beneath that was something more. He smelled like the sky, like Cassian, but while Cassian was all sunsoaked warmth this was the softer subtler scents you would find in the shadows. Crisp like winter air.

On the other side of the moonstone bridge something slowly and tentatively reached back. 

“Rhys and Feyre should be coming soon.” Cassian spoke and the breathless moment shattered leaving me pulling away from the moonstone expanse and looking toward Cassian. “I think they want to speak with you.” He added catching my eyes. I shivered slightly and Morrigan frowned reaching out casually to touch my arm. If she noticed my slight flinch she didn’t remark on it.

“You’re cold.” She muttered her touch lingering over one of the runes. “Let’s get you inside.”

Cassian brushed a hand against my other arm and nodded going to press on the middle of my back to get me moving. I could feel the heat of his hand through the thin fabric. Something about the way they moved me, worried for me, made me realize that just like before I had already fallen into their trap. 

I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.


	11. Family Dinner

The warmth was a godsend. I felt a bit strange being shepherded in by the three, but the moment the warm air hit me a soft sigh breezed out of me that had Morrigan smiling again. They easily guided me until we ended up in what looked to be closer to a living room area, or maybe a visitation area that already had a fire going in the massive hearth. 

Cassian dropped onto one of the finely upholstered couches settling heavily on the cushions. I found myself looking around at the room and froze when I noted a piano tucked into a corner. There were bookshelves scattered about the room, all filled. I tried not to look toward the piano again, but something about the black glossy surface caught my eye again and again. 

Morrigan perched on a loveseat, tucking her feet up. 

“We don’t know how long they’ll be.” Cassian drawled. “Might as well get comfortable.” He added. Azriel went to stand near the fire and it seemed the shadows of the room flocked to him, undaunted by the flickering light. 

I went to find a chair, but found myself taking a small step toward the piano. Hands aching for something familiar. 

“You’re more than welcome to look at it.” Morrigan said nonchalantly looking at her nails. Cassian sat up slightly as I reached out to brush a reverent hand over the ivory keys. 

“You play?” Cassian probed. 

“I had a little keyboard at home that I practiced on,” I said slowly sitting on the bench in front of it. “Back in College they had practice rooms that you could use for free. I used to play there almost every day.”

“You also studied music.” Azriel commented from his place near the fire. It was a statement, as if he already knew the answer. 

Morrigan hopped up moving to hover near me, looking at the hands I placed so lightly on the keys. I didn’t dare to actually use it, even if some broken part of me was crying out for something familiar in this strange world. 

“You can play something, if you want.” Morrigan said quietly. 

“Thank you for the offer, Morrigan, but-”

“Mor,” she interrupted perching on the edge of the bench, “my friends call me Mor. And you should play.” 

Tentatively I pressed down on one of the keys and found myself smiling a small bit at the rich tone. This piano had to be expensive. 

“No one really plays here.” She added running her elegant fingers along the side. I slowly began my warm-up routine, wincing a bit as the movements tugged on my bruised fingers. Noting that positions that used to be a strain were easier with my longer fingers. I tried to only think of the positive there, focusing more on the technical execution. I stopped once I felt confident that I was ready to actually play, but Cassian was already clapping slightly. I turned to see that lazy smile of his.

“That’s not too bad.”

“That was warm-up.” I told him turning back to the keys. 

I closed my eyes for a second trying to ignore the unearthly beings around me. I decided on the first song I had truly taught myself, it had been a pain in my ass and it had taken a very long time for me to get it right, but it also always brought a sense of cozy wonder to me every time I played it. 

Slowly, but with feeling I began listening to the chords shiver in the air. It was from one of my favorite movies, and strangely felt like it fit here. It was the Merry Go Round of Life from Howl’s Moving Castle. 

For a moment as I played the world fell away, my fingers didn’t feel foreign. The same music flowed out of me as it always had. Mor I realized was watching my fingers as they moved eyes wide with some sort of wonder. The song finally came to a close and I sat myself back rubbing at my bruised hands. They absolutely did not like the extra abuse.

“Nova,” Mor breathed her eyes shining, “that was beautiful.” I found myself shying away from her compliment. 

“Another artist.” I twisted around with an unearthly speed and found the speaker to be Rhysand looking me over. Feyre had a soft smile on her face and had seemed to move closer so that she could look to my hands as well. I should have noticed them, but I did have the habit of blocking everything else out when I played. Maybe that habit had stayed even if the body was different. 

Another person was in the room, one I hadn’t seen since my first day in this new body.

“Nova,” Elain’s voice held a warmth that I didn’t expect.

“Elain,” I answered back remembering how kind this woman had been to me. How in my time of need she had sat and gently brushed my hair out. Had stood up to Rhysand and demanded I be brought back.

“My sister was worried about you. I hope you don’t mind.” Feyre said her eyes flickering to meet mine.

“It’s so good to see you.” The words tumbled out of me as I looked back to Elain. I glanced to Feyre and Rhysand, standing so close. “It’s nice to see you too.” I added.

“Not sleeping well?” There was an understanding in Feyre’s eyes alongside something close to pity. Some vicious part of me didn’t want it. 

“You play wonderfully.” Elain said walking up to me. It was a mercy that she had cut her sister off in favor of a softer easier topic. 

“It was beautiful.” Like darkness given a voice I didn’t realize that Azriel had moved and was situated up against a bookshelf where he had been watching my face. Something about the brush of his voice sent a spiraling heat through me, I looked away from him nearly terrified of the feeling. It was irrational to feel anything over the sound of a  _ voice _ .

“Thank you.” I said to them both. Elain looked to Azriel and gave him a smile which he gently returned. Her eyes then looked me over, almost appraising for a moment before landing meaningfully back on Azriel. I looked away back toward my hands, not wanting to see whatever she was trying to convey. 

“We thought it would be nice to have another family dinner.” Rhysand spoke up. 

“Food sounds good.” Cassian called pushing himself up to offer a hand to me. Something about the irreverent tilt of his head and smirk had me smiling back and letting him touch me. 

The entire group began a slow walk toward the dining area all of them chatting amongst themselves. I fell to the back of the group hoping to avoid the brunt of it, but instead found a gentle hand touching my arm.

“How have you been?” Elain asked looking me over. 

A noncommittal reply sprung to my lips, but something in her eyes made me swallow the words. “I don’t know.” I sighed softly. She nodded and caught my hand in her own, at the unexpected contact I jerked slightly but she was too busy frowning at the bruises there. 

“You’re learning to fight?” 

“Cassian thought it would be good for me.” I answered back. “Help me get back into the right mindset.”

Elain nodded. “I garden.” 

“You garden?” I echoed back. It was strange but I could see her surrounded by plantlife. She seemed patient and kind, all of the things required to nurture life out of the ground. 

“It helps.” She answered. “It helped bring me back to myself. Among other things.” Elain glanced to Azriel ahead of us. 

“How?” I asked confused. Azriel as far as I had seen, was rather distant. Elain smiled at me, looking me over for a long moment. 

“You’ll see.” There was some sort of secret smile on her face that had my stomach twisting slightly. 

The dining room felt much more lively with so many people in it. I went to freeze, unsure of where I fit in the seating order. Unsure of where I fit. But was easily tugged by Elain to sit between her and Morrigan. 

“What was that song called?” Mor asked the moment I looked settled. She leaned forward her hair falling around her face and sending a wave of citrus and cinnamon around me. “It’s not a song I’ve heard before.”

“I’ve not heard it in the mortal realms either.” Elain mentioned.

“It’s from a movie I really like.” I answered looking between the two of them. “It’s called Merry Go-Round of Life.” 

“A…..movie?” Cassian asked seating himself across from Morrigan. Azriel took the seat across from mine, those hazel eyes already watching me curiously. 

“Yeah, Howl’s Moving Castle.” 

“I think,” Azriel spoke up, “what he meant to say is what is a movie?” 

“Oh.” I bit my lip glancing down at the empty plates nearest me. I thought on how to explain it. Morrigan breathed as if she were going to speak, but I seemed to beat her to the punch. “It’s a moving picture.” I said looking back up at the two. 

“But you don’t have magic.” Azriel countered.

“Right.” I nodded. 

“Then how does it-” His question was cut short as a small and terrifying woman walked in seating herself. Amren. She glanced to me those silvery eyes searching my own for a moment.

“Hello.” Though the greeting seemed to be directed at no one in particular she held my gaze, looking me over. I waved among the other polite hellos that rang around the table. With that Rhysand waved a hand and a small feast appeared, all steaming and smelling amazing. It was a simple dinner of greens and chicken. More mundane foods that I was surprised over. Everyone filled their plates, Cassian and Azriel getting much more on their plate than I thought possible. I nibbled on the food, once again wondering if the food here was somehow just better than normal food, as the others laughed and talked. 

Elain went into great detail explaining to me exactly what plants she had put near one another. I asked questions, and watched as she  _ glowed  _ as she talked. She was so kind, I realized, and she had been through so much. She quietly explained her life in the mortal realms, explained how Feyre had saved their family, fought for so much. How the woman sitting only a few chairs away had somehow saved this land and in return was reborn. How she died for these people to be free. Feyre chimed in quietly every once in a while adding a detail or two, but otherwise watched Elain. 

I did too. She was all lovely and soft things. They were all lovely, I noticed looking around the table. I steered away from sensitive topics. It was easy to realize what they were. The darkness in their gazes, the way they winced at certain names. A name was thrown around that seemed to upset Cassian quite a bit. Nesta, one of their family who had not come to this little dinner. 

Eventually Feyre and Elain got caught in conversation leaving me, blissfully silent. Most of the questions thrown my way I had found easy workarounds, answering more in the abstract than anything personal. It felt too ...soon to talk about what I had just lost. 

I quickly made myself busy eating a bit more and focusing on the food rather than the flow of conversation. Eventually I found myself watching the shadows that moved to and from Azriel. It was almost like they were sentient. I swore I could see them trailing his movements sometimes. Eventually I watched as one curled around his ear. 

Azriel suddenly looked to me his eyes locking onto my own. He had such an intimidating presence that I found myself wanting to jerk away as if I had been caught doing something rude. However something in his gaze softened by a fraction and he held up a shadow wreathed hand looking to it himself. 

“I’m what’s considered a Shadowsinger.” It made sense as his very voice felt cool and laced with shadows. 

“Azriel is Rhysand’s spymaster.” Mor said from beside me between bites of bread.

“That makes sense.” At my words Azriel’s mouth quirked up slightly.

“Is that so?” I nodded. “What tipped you off?”

I thought about it for a long moment. Mor grabbed what looked to be some sort of alcohol and graciously poured me a glass. I smiled at her and took a sip. It was wonderfully sweet and bubbled something fierce. I nodded my thanks to her.

“ You’re good at asking questions.” I said finally with a definitive nod. He simply watched me, letting the silence extend and I found myself smiling. “And you know the silence trick.”

“Silence trick?” Mor asked taking a sip of her own drink.

“Yeah, it’s something they taught us in journalism. Sometimes just by being silent it makes the person feel like they have to explain in depth rather than moving on from a subject. Silence is uncomfortable for most people.” I told her softly. 

“Journalism.” Azriel echoed eyes searching my face. I took a deeper drink trying to keep myself busy. 

“Information gathering.” I said with a shrug. 

“So you can get information out of people.” Mor tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “You were trained by scholars for this?”

“I mean, yeah I guess so.” I said swirling the sweet drink in my hand. 

“Were you trained in infiltration?” Azriel asked propping himself up on one arm.

I couldn’t help it. I laughed. Distantly I felt a shiver of some feeling that was a mixture of fascination and pleasure. “No, not really. It’s not like a spy,” I said smiling at him, “more like we were trained to be an unbiased source of news.” 

“Unbiased is a difficult trait to obtain.” He said passively. Cassian shoved a cup in his hands and Azriel sipped on it without question. Cassian wiggled his eyebrows at me and took a drink himself. I mock saluted him and followed suit.

“You’re right. Honestly, no one is completely free of bias. However, you can be aware of the biases you personally have. If you’re aware then you can watch yourself when reporting on those subjects. Or decide to let other reporters cover it.” There was a strange flash of respect, which was quickly covered when Cassian leaned forward grinning.

“So, you feeling any better after your first training session?” 

I glanced to my hands and for a moment felt the pulse of soreness that ran through the body. “Yeah a little.” I answered.

“That’s good.” Mor approved.

Feyre laughed slightly. “If you decide to stick with it you’re going to hate it soon enough.” The look she and Cassian shared was laced with amusement. 

“You’ll want to quit.” Cassian added with a wicked smile. 

“I’ll take that as a challenge.” I said narrowing my eyes at him. His answering smile sent shiver skittering down my spine.


	12. Flight

Sweat ran in sheets down my body as I pushed myself harder. Where Cassian was all snark and confidence every other moment, when he was training me he was nothing short of terrifying. I wasn’t sure how long he had trained in his life, but it had honed his body to perfection. Lethality radiated off of him with every movement. In comparison, I was stumbling around like a newborn colt.

It had been a little more than a week since our first lesson, and I still felt horribly inexperienced. I never knew where to step, or how to hold the body so that I was a smaller target. Cassian jabbed at me and I just barely dodged it, a gasp hissing through my teeth at the effort it took. 

“Good,” the bastard didn’t even have the decency to sound winded at all. He seemed to notice the slight anger in my face and looked amused of all things. I threw a punch, and left myself unguarded. Retribution was swift, and hurt like hell. A growl ripped from my throat as I danced backwards hoping to get out of range. 

“Get it under control,” he ordered moving toward me. “You can’t let your anger make you reckless.” He was right, but I was pissed. That blow was going to bruise, I could already feel it. That otherworldly presence glittered at the edges of my senses along that moonstone bridge, and I found myself trying to grab at it. Understand it. I threw another punch and it looked like it was actually going to hit him...right before Cassian’s fist slammed into my solar plexus knocking every ounce of breath from my body. My legs gave out and my body burned with the lack of air. I had to get back on my feet. 

Panic. I couldn’t get my lungs to work right. My vision shimmered and darkness crawled at the edges of my vision. I finally dragged a breath into my battered body as Cassian knelt down near me looking concerned. 

I pulled in two deep breaths before I launched myself at him. Even Cassian looked surprised as I slammed into him. With an easy twist he had me pinned to the floor before I could think of my next move. 

He laughed, pressing me down just enough to let me know he won without actually hurting me. I relaxed, closing my eyes in defeat. 

“You’re doing much better.” Cassian remarked. I cracked an eye open to look at him.

“You’re crushing me.” 

“Many females would be excited to have me on top.” Cassian’s eyes gleamed in the mid-afternoon sun his wings stretching over us to create a little bit of shade. I found myself looking up at the way the sun played through his wings, creating a crimson roof over the both of us. 

“Is that so?” I asked smirking. “I don’t see the draw of it.”

His smile sharpened and he leaned further over me, letting his scent fully wash over me. “Would you like a demonstration?” He nearly purred. “You have seemed a bit pent up. Perhaps I could ...release ...some of that tension.” 

This had become a favorite game of ours. The fake flirting. Like a game of chicken, seeing just how far one could take it before the other gave. Cassian had won every time. Sometimes I wondered if we were both running from something by doing this. 

“Could you two stop fawning over each other for a minute and come here?” Mor’s voice called. Cassian tucked in a wing and looked over his shoulder before looking back down at me a wolfish grin flashing across his face.

“To be continued.” It wasn’t a question. He pushed himself up, and the sun came streaming back over me. I narrowed my eyes against the glare and pushed myself up, taking the steadying hand that Cassian offered. I smiled widely at Morrigan as we approached. Both she and Cassian had been with me nearly constantly.

Azriel was usually there too, but he seemed distant and impassive most of the time. He only ever seemed to lighten up for Morrigan and even that had become rare. The two of them had seemed strained around each other, even worse when I was around. I wondered if it had to do with the whole Mate thing that no one had explained to me, but then again I hadn’t really asked either. 

I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what it meant. I was already far too aware of the Shadowsinger. When he quietly informed me that he had to leave for a few days, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt. Some part of me missed the soft smiles he gave when amused. He’d been gone for three days so far, the march of time somehow strained without him. I wasn’t sure I liked that.

“How are you doing?” Mor asked folding me into a quick hug before pulling back to scan me head to toe. “The brute’s not working you too hard, is he?”

“I take offense to that.” Cassian said looking anything but offended. 

“Don’t care.” Mor grinned at me. “Okay, you need to get cleaned up.”

“Why?” I glanced down to the light training clothing that had at this point been plastered to my skin with sweat. Dust clung to me from where I had hit the ground. 

Mor circled me like a hawk. “You can’t go dancing in that.” 

“Dancing?” My mouth dried out.

“Mmhmm,” she hummed, “I left a dress in your room.”

“I don’t dance.” I said flatly trying to step away. Mor simply followed the motion grabbing my hands before I could flee. She gave me a beseeching look and I suddenly understood how she could convince the two fearsome warriors to accompany her all the time. The rejection poised on my lips crumbled along with any willpower I had left.

“Okay,” I sighed. Mor grinned like she knew exactly what that look did to those around her. Cassian acted busy rubbing at an invisible spot of dust on the strange stones he wore on his hands. I still hadn’t worked up the nerve to ask what they were. I had a feeling it would only solidify the fact that I wasn’t in my own universe anymore. It was already hard enough to get used to the Illyrians with their powerful wings, let alone Mor, Feyre, and Rhysand who did impossible feats with the wave of a hand. 

_ You can do those things too. _ Something whispered from the black depths of my mind. I shoved the voices away, like I had every time they had reared up. 

“You too.” Mor said looking to Cassian. He sighed but I could already see the slight smile he was trying to hide from her. He caught me watching and the smile grew. I found myself smiling back. 

I headed to my room, promising that I would meet Mor in the dining room as soon as I got ready. I started the water for my bath and stripped out of my clothing trying to ignore the uncomfortable way the fabric peeled away from my skin. I had constantly put my hair back in a ponytail since that first day, it helped me not notice the platinum locks. I tugged the hair free and felt it fall to brush against my face my head aching slightly from the release of pressure.

I took a quick bath, making sure to scrub myself down properly, before hopping out and wrapping myself in a towel. I braved a look in the mirror. I was still pale, which was fairly rare amongst this group I had realized. Even with my old body I had always been pale, tanning simply didn’t work for me. The most I got was a slightly golden glow to my skin, and that was after months of working on it. At least that had stayed the same. The runes running down my body were both elegant and cruel. Flowing over my skin as if they were an intrinsic part of this new form. They followed the lines of the body perfectly accentuating to the point of beauty. I was a study of contrasts. Silvers and blacks all clashing together to make something otherworldly. Even the eyes of the body stood out, the only splashes of vivid jewel tones amongst the silvers and blacks. 

Yet when I moved, it felt right. Natural after all the work I had been putting into learning to fight. I moved away from the mirror and glanced at the dress that Morrigan had put on my bed. I forced myself to put it on, if only to please Mor. It was a sundress from the looks of it. Dark blue and threaded through with silver stars that tumbled down the dress to end near my knees. The night court often had fashion that tried to replicate the night sky. There were a pair of flats that matched the dark blue of the dress that I slipped on.

I sat on the edge of the bed and brushed my hair out slowly and methodically. True to their word they hadn’t really expected anything from me. I hadn’t been charged for rent yet, or asked to get a job. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself other than train with Cassian and talk to Morrigan. Everything felt like it was teetering on the edge, a single misstep and the thin ice I had been treading with this group would shatter. 

Shouldn’t I be figuring out where I fit in this world, rather than going out dancing with Mor? I should be figuring out exactly what all of this meant, but anytime I tried to motivate myself a deep and black panic rose until I distracted myself again. Tomorrow, I decided, I would figure out how this court worked and where I fit. If I even did. 

I decided to leave my hair unbound when leaving my room. I had gotten most of the moisture out, and it fell in soft fragrant curls. With so much of my skin exposed the silver lining the runes flickered in the light. Sometimes I caught the sparks of light from my arms or legs as I walked, and the effect to me wasn’t unlike a silver fire that licked over my skin briefly. I was sure that Morrigan had noticed the effect as I trained. She often would watch our sessions, so I had no doubt she had planned this little outfit to maximize that effect. 

I heard Mor talking before I made it into the dining room. I turned the corner and nearly froze in place as I saw Azriel sitting next to Mor. His eyes darted up to meet mine and a shiver ran through my body. I jerked my gaze to Mor who was watching with a hushed air. The moment she noticed my attention she smiled and stood, a silken green dress whispering with her movement. I echoed the smile she gave me almost automatically.

“Nova.” She circled me once and I raised an eyebrow at her. She nodded her head once. “Good, now all we have to do is wait for Cassian and we should be good.” 

“Welcome back.” I said letting myself look to Azriel. To my surprise it looked as if he hadn’t actually looked away from me since I had entered the room. His gaze was impassive and his face cool, but something in his eyes seemed laser focused on me. The corner of his mouth quirked slightly at my greeting. I was happy to see he was okay. More so than I expected to be. 

“Thank you.” He said, all manners. His eyes flashed over my features though, as if searching for something.

“You know,” Mor drawled looking a bit closer at me, catching my attention. “Sit down for a second, Nova. I want to try something.” I sat watching Mor warily, but she just rolled her eyes at me and waved a hand summoning what looked like makeup on the table near me. “Hold still.” She muttered reaching over and grabbing what I assumed was kohl. 

“Wow,” I muttered relaxing my face even as she brought the stick up against the edges of my eyes. “This feels familiar. Clubbing is the same no matter what universe you end up in, isn’t it?” I had a lot of practice in holding myself still as people applied makeup. My mother had loved trying out new looks on me. And I had a few friends who would do my makeup before going out to the club saying that it was all part of the bonding experience. It’s not that I went dancing often, but I was taken out much more than I was comfortable with. 

Which was like once a month. 

“Shh and let me work.” Mor leaned back, tilting her head this way and that while looking at me. She leaned back in and I forced myself to stay still again. I heard footsteps which eventually entered the room.

“Uh oh. Mor got her claws in ya, huh?” Cassian chuckled somewhere to my right. 

Morrigan leaned back again and nodded to herself. She reached over and smeared something on my lips then leaned back again. She ran her fingers through my hair, which I jerked slightly at the sensation, but quickly relaxed under her touch. After a minute she nodded to herself and stepped back waving her hand to make the makeup disappear again. 

“Better.” She said with a smug smile. She motioned for me to stand and as I did Cassian let out a low whistle looking me over. 

“You clean up pretty good.” He said walking up and looking me over. 

“What a compliment.” I said playfully pushing at him. He chuckled and I beamed at him. There was a slight twinge in the back of my head. Like a jab of jealousy and confused longing. Without meaning to I glanced to Azriel who was watching us all quietly. Both he and Cassian had dressed in normal if not nice clothing. Though they both still wore the jewels, Cassian’s red and Azriel’s blue. 

There was something intimate about having his gaze on me. 

“Okay, let’s head out!” Mor’s voice made me realize we had been staring at each other. Even Azriel seemed to blink and look to her broken out of the same trace. Morrigan walked out onto the balcony. I followed Morrigan who simply waited for Cassian to walk over and pick her up. He cradled her easily in his arms. 

“Oh hell no.” The words slipped out of me as I danced backward a step realizing what they meant to do. I was suddenly very aware of the drop to the valley below. 

“Don’t worry,” Mor tried to soothe, but Cassian was instantly laughing at me. The expression I had to be wearing. 

“Scared of heights?” He teased even as I sensed Azriel walking up to me. 

“Not so much the height.” I said looking between them all. 

“Falling?” Cassian laughed.

“Not even the fall. It’s that bit at the end where you hit the ground.” 

“You’ll be safe.” That voice stroked down my nerves sending another one of those curls of warmth through me. I looked to Azriel who had a slight amused smile. 

“Isn’t there another way?” I asked eyes wide. 

“There are stairs.” Azriel said that amused look growing on his face. “Around ten thousand or so.” I winced, I was already sore from training. Doing that many stairs at once... 

“The House of Wind is warded so that no one can winnow in or out.” Mor explained.

I took a deep breath and turned back to Azriel swallowing my fear. “If you drop me,” I warned him only slightly joking, “I’ll haunt you for all time.” For some reason, it felt comfortable to joke around with them. 

“Noted.” Azriel said with a slight chuckle. It was the first time I had heard him laugh. He picked me up effortlessly, tucking me against his chest. His scent surrounded me and I stifled the urge to lean up and press myself into the curve where his shoulder meets his neck. That heat in my body grew the smallest bit and I tried to push it away. I was not turned on by a person I had known for less than a month. 

Azriel spread his massive wings as he walked easily over to the edge of the balcony, and terror swamped me for a moment. 

“Nova.” Azriel caught my gaze and shifted his hold slightly. Secured me harder against his chest. “Trust me.” His body coiled and before I had time to speak he jumped. For a moment it was just rushing wind. 

His wings snapped taunt, and just like that we were flying. Each wingbeat was massive, and I wondered just how much strength had to be in his body to easily hold the both of us aloft. My fear melted into awe. I looked out and my stomach flipped at the sight of nothing but air between us and the ground. 

“Wow.” I breathed my body singing with adrenaline. It was amazing, the world had sharpened into crystal clarity with the rush. I could see the distant city streets leading to the bottom of the House of Wind. The sea shining in the distance speckled with white capped waves. The sparkling line of some river cutting through the city. I swore I could see the fae moving about below. Hear their laughter floating on the wind. With that adrenaline fueled awareness I was hyper aware of the taunt body holding mine. Every place we touched felt like it was on fire. Even with the wind whipping at us I caught his scent. I looked to Azriel, and found him watching the air in front of us. 

He was the most handsome person I had ever seen.

He glanced down at me then, as if he sensed my thoughts. He searched my face for a moment before looking back forward. I wondered if he ever found what he was looking for in me. His eyes went back to me.

“What do you think?” He asked his voice rumbling against me.

“It’s amazing.” I said looking back out to the city. He was slowly descending toward the river and what looked to be a brightly painted part of town. Part of me balked at the thought of being near so many people. I could hardly stand to be in my own skin. Dread slowly washed over me at the thought of being near so many people. 

Azriel’s hands flexed slightly against me and I glanced back toward him. When his eyes met mine I felt the ethereal moonstone bridge flare. Something brushed down that bridge, like wisps of shadow, and it gently curled against the silver gates. Azriel’s eyes were dilated again, the black nearly swallowing the hazel. Shadows curled over him. Curled over me, sliding like the faintest touch of cool air. 

I found I didn’t mind them so much. Just as quickly as it started it ended. The shadows receded, both from my body and mind, as Azriel flared his wings a bit more and began back flapping heavily. We landed on a cobblestone street with a small jolt. I could hear thunderous wingbeats behind us as Cassian and Mor landed safely as well. 

“Thank you for flying me here.” 

“It was my pleasure.” He said gallantly setting me back on my feet. I stepped out of the haze that was his scent just as Mor grabbed my hand pulling me along the street. 

“You’re gonna love Rita’s.” She promised with an excited smile. I smiled back trying to ignore the strange pull that made me want to go back to Azriel.


End file.
